The Doctor Is In
by Vocalsama
Summary: What happens when a lone, normal, therapist gets to peel open the inner workings of the feared and notorious Espada? Damn, I feel sorry for that dude. It's only a matter of time before he realizes that...well the espadas kinda aren't sane.
1. The First Victim

It was a normal day at the office…of so he thought. 1206 Pewter Ave. It was in the middle of a rather large city, filled with the hustle and bustle of everyday urban life. People on cell phones, people driving their flashy cars beeping their horns as they were made late for work by some random act of stupidity caused by, what we like to label those types of people as "Sunday Drivers". The building was about ten stories, nothing to high, nothing to obscure, just right. He was an average therapist his own office of average caliber and average size…well, it was a tad bit bigger then most. But then, why shouldn't it be? He was there to help people in need! Needing of counseling and help with their mental instability! Their uncertainty for their own well being! He was…A WORKER FOR SOCIETY!

Yes it sounded regal, and fine and dandy, but it was a pain is the proverbial ass, and he thought once he hit sixty years old, either physically or mentally he sure as hell was going to retire and let those poor sonsofbitches help themselves. Maybe it would lead to some population control as well, who knows?

It was a long train ride to work…and then he had to walk a couple of blocks from the stop he got off at. During this duration of tediously tactful transportation he gave thought into whether psychiatrists visited other psychiatrists…and just what the hell they talked about? I mean talking about your own patients was a severe ground break in the finely tuned code of psychiatrists everywhere. It was like…you putting yourself out over the pool of hungry, ravaged sharks and being torn to shreds…wow that was an odd metaphor, but all in all it was a bad idea. Very bad, and unless you wanted some twenty or so people stalking you and giving you hate mail and leaving bombs in your mailbox, you best not talk about such things…to anyone.

The sun was just rising, giving the air a chilly yet warming touch to one's skin. The birds were elated and squawking…and there he was a lone therapist, about to embark on a multitude of rather…problematic counseling session with none other then…the _Arrancars._

**The Office: 1206 Pewter Ave**

He tapped his pen against thick black-rimmed glasses as the sun glazed over them like the ocean in the mirror onboard a moving boat. This man that stood there…smiling a little, he…intrigued him, yes intrigued was the right word. He was medium height and wearing a rather unusual outfit…he must be a foreigner or something. He said to himself in his head. The man's eyes were dull, but flashed quickly to life as he stood before the brown, polished, oak desk. The golden nameplate shimmered in a valiant effort, due to the dim lighting that was in the partial open blinds in the room, against the shadows of a still dawn breaking sky.

He wasn't a muscular man he had to admit it and his own hair was beginning to thin…scratch that, it really wasn't thinning at all he just liked to pretend it was…he had this sort of social anxiety issue you could say always worrying about ones looks and such, but this wasn't really about a therapist's problems…the case was with this man who wore a pearl white outfit, interesting shoes, and whose chocolate brown hair was glazed back with seemingly nonexistent gel. A lone strand of hair hung down before his clear peach colored face. He coughed, sitting back in the plush black-leathered chair.

"So…uhm…what was you name, sir? I don't think I got it…Ai-Aizo…Apple…Anse-"

"Aizen…Sosuke." The man merely replied a slight smile spreading across his features. The man wearing, or therapist for easier determination seeing as how his name has yet been revealed, a white lab coat…he had long brown hair, tied neatly in a ponytail, raised an eyebrow at this. He then leaned forward some what so that a small creak was heard from the chair. Although it was entirely new...it still creaked and that peeved him some what.

"And…you've come to me, for counseling?" Aizen nodded to this question.

"I believe it'll be signed under…family counseling." The therapist nodded, pursing his lips together and then standing.

"Well how many of you are there in this family of yours…Mr. Sosuke?" The therapist asked, eyeing the man in the strange foreign garb. Aizen merely tilted his head down, a rather…suspicious action if you could call it that, since he somehow got the lighting of the room to just glaze off his pristine features and well…it caused the perfect juxtaposition of shadowing and lighting…it just made it all, very eerie. The man himself didn't seem all that bad...though he did tend to meet people who had odd senses of justice…and overly egotistical god-like complexes, not like this man would have one, HELL! No one should have one of those…unless you were psychotic and trying to take over the universe or something, but then again…you probably wouldn't come to counseling for that, seeing as how you'd think yourself way too good for such a trivial thing.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Damn did he hate the crackpot cases.

"There's…ten coming in. I don't know if my other two bitc-I mean friends will be coming in you see, I have to discuss it with them still." Aizen stated smiling at this normal statement, which made the therapist quirk an eyebrow.

"Big family…" He mumbled, _whatever at least I'm getting paid_, "Well I guess you can start sending them in anytime you want." The man in the bright white jump suit, at least that's what it looked like to him, smiled and turned towards the door. He took rather lean graceful steps; the back of his white jacket seemingly had enough breeze in the still-unventilated room to fly out a little behind him.

"Wonderful. I'll go get them." It was odd, he heard a sort of zipper like sound come from outside his door, as the man, Aizen, walked through it and the door clicked silently behind him.

"I have a feeling today is going to be rather…long." The therapist mumbled…his name was Jake. Jake Halsenbach and he had just agreed to something that would possibly change his life. Or…his sanity.

**Day One: The First Victim**

The door slammed open and he looked up eyes narrowing a little at the man who walked in. He was…to say in the least, ripped. He had somewhat spiky blue hair, and two rather interesting turquoise marks beneath each bright blue eye. He wore an outfit similar to Aizen's, sandals and all. Jake cleared his throat sitting in a comfortable spinney chair, crossing one leg over the other. The blue haired man snorted his eyes scanning the room and falling on the man in the chair. He watched as the man's hand extended over towards a black leather couch.

"Please, sir. Take a seat, relax."

"Fuck you." The therapist cleared his throat, blinking at the outburst of the blue haired youth.

"Um…please? It'll be painless…honest." He replied, gulping as the espada walked past him with a, "Tch" noise erupting from his throat.

"Pain! Only little sissy bitches fear pain! Feh! Why the hell am I here anyway?" The blue haired man asked snorting as he sat down on the couch, blinking at it comfyness. He turned to look out the large window to the left, and then back at the man before him.

" You're hear to talk about your problems, and I'm going to try and make them better. So lets start off with…what's your name?"

"Grimmjow…Jeagerjaques. And you can go screw yourself with helping me with my problems, you ass wipe." The man merely blinked. _Such a strange name for per-oh right, foreigners. He's not very…friendly, either._

"Are you perhaps…from Germany, Mr…uhhh Jeagerjaques." Grimmjow cocked an eyebrow, leering at the man as he sat, his chin propped up on his open palm, his elbow resting on his knee.

"What the hell is Germany, you asshole?" Jake coughed and cleared his throat.

"Sooo were you perhaps adopted?"

"What?"

"Well given the obvious evidence it seems you don't know where you're from…would you like some tea?" At this question Grimmjow slammed his hand on the small table resting between Jake and himself.

"God damn tea! Why the fuck doesn't anyone serve anything else! Stupid bastard Aizen serves nuthin' but that shit!! I.DON'T.LIKE.FUCKING.TEA." Jake cleared his throat putting about two teaspoons worth into a steaming cup.

"Have…had a bad experience with tea, Grimmjow." Grimmjow's eye twitched and he pointed with one finger.

"Don't fucking talk to me like you're my pal, bitch. AND IT'S THE SAME THING EVERYDAY! Every stupid meeting its tea! TEA THIS! TEA THAT! I think Aizen, god damn bastard, has a tea fetish. SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

"You seem to dislike Aizen…any reason as to why?"

"You wanna know why, huh? HE LET HIS FUCKING BITCH CUT OFF MY ARM!" Grimmjow yelled, growling. The therapist arched an eyebrow at this crazy exclamation. He tapped his clipboard with his pen; bring it up to the grove between his chin and lower lip.

"You um…still have your arm though." He muttered eyeing the now, what seemed to be, disgruntled Grimmjow.

"You think I'm lyin' or somthin'?! I swear to god I'll…" he reached for his zanpaktou, and just then another man appeared in the room.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" He was…thin. And he had a rather mellow expression on his face, his eyes were piercing green and two long lines ran down the full extent of his cheeks. Jake had taken a liking right about then behind his oak desk, eyeing the two with interest well lets rephrase that as… scared shitless out of his mind interest.

"E-Excuse me but…this is a private session I'll have to ask you to…" he paused seeing as the two were filled with tension. Grimmjow smiled wickedly. Jake hadn't realized that there was a white, almost bone like in appearance thing on the man's face.

"If it isn't Uli-whora. Hahaha! What the hell you doin' here, bitch?" Uliquorra's eye twitched. "What…did you just say, Grimmjow?" The blue haired Espada sat back on the couch, propping his feet up on the table, a pinky going to one ear.

"You heard me you little emo bitch. Aizen didn't say you could come in yet, so...GET THE HELL OUT!" Uliquorra twitched, obviously there was tension between the two, could it possibly be…no no no! They were family…although…he shook his head pushing out all thoughts of such matters from his mind. He bit his lip and cleared his throat, standing up; both men's heads turned to him their full attention now fixated on him, and him alone.

"Uhmm…I'll have to ask you to leave now, sir." The other man just turned and walked towards the door. Jake eyed the back of his coat too…and it did the same thing Aizen's did. _How the hell does that drifting happen without any wind?_

"YO! C'mon! I don't wanna be here all goddamn day." Grimmjow snarled his blue eyes still on Jake as he sat back down in his chair. He let out a sigh and sat back in it.

"Right. So uhm…tell me a little about how you feel about your other fellow members that live with you?"

"Ulqiuorra's a bitch."

"Who?"

"The emo bastard that just popped in because I was going to royally fuck you up with my sword."

"Oh…right. About that. I sensed a lot of tension between the two of you." Grimmjow snorted.

"He just can't admit to the fact that he's Aizen's ass slave and little bitch cause he does whatever the fuck Aizen-sama says. It's always YES AIZEN-SAMA, RIGHT AWAY AIZEN-SAMA, LET ME MAKE YOU GET HIGH OFF MY EYE POWDER AIZEN-SAMA, I'M YOUR BITCH AIZEN-SAMA! Feh. Makes me sick." He crossed his arms over his chest. Jake merely blinked.

"See. This constant hostility towards Aizen…it's, it's making you bitter."

"You'd be bitter too if you knew the shit that went down in Hueco Mundo…"

"Hueco Mundo?" Jake looked at Grimmjow.

"It's a shit hole." Jake merely jotted down some random thoughts. "Mmmhmm, yes, well, tell me about this Hueco Mundo you speak of." Grimmjow shrugged head turning to the window, whose blinds were open just a spec of the way so that minimal sunlight could penetrate through into the room.

"It's surrounded by a giant goddamn desert that goes on for miles, nothing to special about it. And there's no fucking sun so that's why I feel like a damn vampire every time I step out to go get a tan. YOU KNOW HARD IT IS? I burn like a goddamn egg every time I try to go to the fucking beach! And it's all because we're living in some shitty ass facility bigger then a fucking amusement park…THERE'S ONLY TEN OF US LIVING IN IT, WHY THE HELL IS IT SO BIG?!" Grimmjow yelled, his right eye twitching. Jake smiled a little. _Ooookay…so maybe they're from Romania? What the hell am I saying?! Vampires aren't real…_

"Now about this space…do you feel as if…anyone has taken a liking to your own personal space?"

"What the fu-"

"You know like…a little too close. You seem to get agitated when uhm...Ulibla-Ulquiorra, is next to you."

"Oh fuck no. I ain't a gay ass bitch! He's just a bitch and annoys the shit outta me! Heh. I remember that onetime I started playing hacky-sack with his eye…he put a hole through the roof. Asshole almost hit me with a cero." Jake cocked an eyebrow at this.

"Cero?"

"Yeah it's like this laser beam type thing, really messes shit up. I just love using it to kill innocent bystanders…yeah, damn it feels good to be an Espada."

"Uhm. Have you been in any contact with drugs recently, Mr. Jeagerjaques?" Grimmjow snarled, eyes narrowing at the therapist who blinked, his pen scribbling down notes on the clipboard.

"NO! I haven't! Might wanna ask that to Uliquorra, though, bitch is packin' good stuff in his eye." Grimmjow said pointing to his own left eye as he leaned in a little towards the man, who in turn leaned forward. The espada cupped a hand to his face so that his mouth would have been concealed had anyone accidentally bounded into the room.

"Between you and me, doc. I think he's bein' brainwashed by Aizen to do drug trafficking for im'…dangerous stuff I tell ya'" Jake's eyes widened and he merely gave a curt nod and leaned back in his chair. Grimmjow's face now held a rather content, if not extremely wide, smile on his face. Of course he knew that entire idea was completely and utterly FALSE! But he wanted his fellow emo member to feel at home and get the best treatment there was.

**Waiting Room**

Ulquiorra sneezed. It was a rather uncommon thing for espada, so everyone turned to look at him. He let out a huff.

"Say Uli-chan, you getting' a cold or somethin'?" Gin asked head titled to the side.

"…No. Someone is…talking about me." The black haired espada's eye twitched, and his gaze drifted off towards the room where Grimmjow and the therapist were currently residing in, yet another uncommon thing for anyone to witness Ulquiorra doing, although as amusing as it was...it was still to be considerate of fellow espada members. Maybe all this counseling business wasn't good for some people; maybe…it wasn't a good idea after all. Aizen coughed in the background, mumbling something about not wanting to pay for damages.

"Here ya go Ulquiorra!" A hard purple stress ball slammed into the back of the helmeted espada's head. He heard Stark snort, and Noitora laughed out loud.

"Here's a stress ball for ya, buddy." Gin replied smiling as he walked out to face Ulqiuorra at eye level. He was getting rather peeved not only by the goddamn infuriating music that was coming from nowhere but this...stress ball. He eyed it, the damn thing lying in the palm of his pure white hand, his fingers closed over it black nail polish glimmering in the light of the waiting room. "What do I…do with it?" Ulquiorra mumbled his patience growing thin.

"Squeeze it of course!" Gin said smiling, of course…Gin was always smiling so it was hard to tell if that was genuine of not, but whatever we won't get to that yet. Ulquiorra mumbled something, and he began to squeeze the stress ball rather tight and hard, something, which probably isn't a profanity cause you know that's totally not in character, so lets just say it was something along the lines of emo-esque, shall we?

**Back in the counseling room**

"So…you say you kill people…for _fun_?" Jake asked gulping a little. He had to admit that if all of these…"family" members were like this he'd had to call the cops, or the fucking loon bin, either one would work just fine for this one. Grimmjow barked out a laugh.

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing! Killing is the only way to get stronger!"

"Are you killing in order to impress someone?" The therapist asked. Grimmjow snorted.

"The only girls in Hueco Muno is Cirucci and she's a god damn whore, and Hailbel but she's like a damn mute or some shit. Oh and fucking Szayel, bitch has pink hair for god sakes!"

"Szayel…doesn't sound very feminine to me, Grimmjow." Jake mumbled eyeing the blue haired espada curiously. Grimmjow merely stared back, blinking. There was a few minutes pause going on between the two, nothing so that it wasn't uncomfortable…maybe they were both just gathering their thoughts?

"His hair is FUCKING PINK!" Or not…Grimmjow bawled, hands going to his knees as he leaned forward.

"Your hair is blue…" Grimmjow shrugged.

"So? He's a crazy bastard anyway…wait till you meet the crack pot, I'm tellin' ya he's like a goddamn cannibal or something…tried to bite my arm once when I punted one of his annoying little bastard fraccion!" Jake looked at Grimmjow, then at his paper nodding and muttering something as he wrote another few notes down.

"I see. You seem to have a problem with a lot of people, Grimmjow. I'm wondering if you've considered moving away." The espada merely snorted and rolled his eyes.

"I ain't movin' to this crappy ass place if that's what you're thinking."

"Well…maybe you could talk to Aizen about the whole…tea thing."

"What? Hell no! I don't dare talk to that psycho by myself! He's a freakin whack job bent on taking over this anime's supposed heaven with a giant goddamn key! Yeah you heard me a FUCKING KEY. Who the hell creates ten super beings with skin strong as steel and probably unable to die just to go fetch him some dumb ass key. Not that I'm complain', as long as there's killing involved, he's a whack job and so is half the people in Las Noches." Grimmjow said. Jake blinked, clearly at a loss for words.

"Or that. You say he's crazy and yet he doesn't seem all too bad, actually." Grimmjow laughed at this his head tilting backwards.

"HAHA ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Dude he stabbed some like fifteen year old girl in the damn stomach and then proclaimed that he was gonna take over the universe or some shit like that, also proclaimed to destroy an entire town in Japan or something, freakin crazy bastard if you ask me," Grimmjow mumbled now reaching for a clear crystal cup lying on the polished wooden table. He took a sip of its contents, which was water, and grimaced a little. "See he has this thing were he makes you believe he's nice…and WHAM! HE ROYAL FUCKS YOUR SHIT UP! I guess you can say it's like a special psychopathic feature or something." Grimmjow muttered waving his hand out to the side. Jake was beginning to feel that this day was going to get even worse as the newer patients rolled in. He gulped some tea down and cleared his throat.

"Well that's um…interesting news you have there…if you would I'd like you stay put for a minute as I analyze this session of ours, okay?" Grimmjow just shrugged, "Whatever."

"So. I've concluded that you're angry most of time. Violent, Aggressive, possibly have a minute case of gynophobia, you probably should go see anger management, and all in all you're bat fuck insane…pardon my French." Jake replied, sighing as Grimmjow stood up.

"Can I leave now?" Grimmjow asked, seeing the man's head droop between his hunched shoulders. He watched Jake wave him off towards the door, "Yes."

And with that there was a slam of the door and Grimmjow's voice drifted in through the door with the words, " Next one up, ass holes!" Jake sighed rubbing his eyes with a pointer finger and thumb.

"What the hell did I agree to…"

**Fin**


	2. The Second Victim

It had occurred to Jake, after Grimmjow had left the vicinity of his room, that these people were…"speshul" in terms of the internets. Yes, he was accustomed to such knowledge and terms used by the youth of today's ever growing society. He wondered if these people were but lost children…drifting out in the wild cast outs of their own houses and homes. It seemed to him that they had odd senses of values…and well, were completely fucked up in the head at least Grimmjow was anyway. So, then, why did he let his guard down when the next patient entered the room? He would never know.

**Day One: The Second Victim**

He was an average sized man. He wore thick-rimmed glasses and the same outfit as all the others except his has a skirt like thing on it. Jake immediately knew who this man was and refrained from snorting, Grimmjow's last comments going through his mind, he instead coughed pretending that some tea went down the wrong tube. He motioned for the man to take a seat, which he obligingly took and ran a hand through his brilliant pink hair.

The pink haired Espada huffed, eyeing the room with somewhat of a disgusted look draped across his face. He didn't really hide his disapproving glances, eyes adverting from Jake all the while; he soaked up the room's unpleasant unaesthetic appeal.

"What an ugly room…" Jake coughed **loudly** at this and the man turned to him.

"So…your name is?" The pink haired man smiled and bowed a little. _At least this bas-I mean guy has manners…_ Jake said to himself although he'd probably be proven wrong in a few measly minutes, BUT IT WAS WORTH A SHOT!

"I am the gooooooorgeously known Eightieth Espada. Szayel Aporro Grantz, Szayel for short if your primitive human brain cannot take in my full name." Jake blinked at the man, gulping and nodding as he wrote down Szayel's name on the clean sheet of paper.

"So you're the person Grimmjow was talking…" he was cut off and the man's demeanor changed quite rapidly. Jake noted this and charged it as acute bi-polar syndrome, also because…well, these people were truly fucking whacked out of their minds.

"WHAT?! What did that bastard TELL YOU ABOUT ME?!" Szayel sneered, his left eye visibly twitching, both hands were interlocked although they were now balled into constant clenching and unclenching fists. His jaw was tight and his face in somewhat of a pouting expression. Jake merely laughed a little and smiled putting up both hands in a defensive way, as if to ward off any ill-thoughts, although that seemed rather too late for that.

"N-Nothing, really. He just mentioned you…and your oddly colored hair." Szayel grumbled hands crossing over his chest now, he eyed the doctor with somewhat of a contemptuous stare, and then one hand laid lazily on his pants, a single pointer finger tapping continuously is rhythmic motions.

"You're not telling me everything, Mr. Psychiatrist. Are you?" Szayel asked, quirking an eyebrow his reddish brown eyes narrowing.

"Ah. W-Well. He…also mentioned that you were a um…"

"A _**what?!**_"

"Somewhat…girlish in errr appearance, no wait…CANNIBAL! That's it. Now Szayel I know it'll be rough but we can help you get over your addiction of eating human flesh."

"FUCKING GRIMMJOW! I SWEAR TO GOD THAT BASTARD BETTER NOT SLEEP TONIGHT! Bite off his goddamn arms; he'll wake up in agony as he lies there with nothing but a damned bloody stump! Who's laughing at who now, YOU BITCH!" Jake's mouth was agape as he looked at the man whose teeth were bared and he was letting off a low, oddly pitched growl.

"Fucking Mc. Fraccion super size your ass…" Jake eyed him, his mouth parting to ask a question.

"What was that?" Szayel looked over at Jake and ran a white-gloved hand through his pink hair. He straightened his glasses and smiled a warm cordial smile.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Jake heard the man mutter a few obscenities and the mention of salting limbs and putting ketchup on them, also something about a Mc.Fraccion. _What the hell is that? Must be a new fast food place or something…_

"So are there any questions, Mr. Psychiatrist?" Szayel asked, hands once again intertwined and resting neatly on his right leg, which was now crossed over his left one. Jake stared at him.

"Sorry. But I'll be one asking the questions, Mr. Grantz." The pink haired man merely snorted and shrugged. "If it makes you feel smart, go ahead." And Szayel waved Jake off to start again with his questioning.

"So tell me…do you have an other close relationships in Hueco Mundo?" He heard Szayel sniffle, and odd thing for any grown man to do. _Damn it…why does what Grimmjow keep saying reverberate through my head?!_ Jake ruffled his hair and continued on with listening to what the pink haired espada had to say.

"I…I had a brother once." Szayel whispered his head bent towards the floor. Jake leaned forward; at least they were making progress, right?

"I see…did you and your brother, get along?" Szayel blinked and looked up at Jake with rather cold calculating eyes. Jake saw the bottom of his left eye twitch and he wondered if the man had an incurable muscle disorder or maybe a slight tic in his face?

"Contrary to popular belief HUMAN! I WAS NOT INCESTUOUS WITH MY OLDER BROTHER! Just because I have fucking pink hair! DOESN'T MEAN I'M A FLAMING ASS CATCHER!" Jake stared rather perturbed by this sudden outburst. Denial is the first step towards these kinds of situations.

"Now…Szayel, I know it's hard to accept it but…acceptance is the first and one of the only ways to become closer to yourself and to accepting your problems even if it hard at first." Jake said reassuringly; he went to pat Szayel's knee but the espada slapped his hand away in a girly fashion.

"Don't fucking touch me like you know anything, asswipe! This is all…THEIR FAULT!"

"Your parents?"

"NO! NOT MY PARENTS! They were bastards and I ate them when I was but an adjucha!" Jake blinked at the odd term, and then the whole cannibal issue sprang up again. Jake was meaning to ask just how you ate a full grown human being…err full grown…what the fuck were these people anyway?! He didn't bother thinking about it; he was trying to keep what little sanity he had left…

"Szayel…cannibalism, I'm sure you know, isn't very widely accepted amongst many states and countries for that matter in the world. It's obvious that you were just sad, alone, misunderstood. Think of it this way! Incest is somewhat accepted in modern day culture and society! Even if the people performing it are secluded fucking whack jobs! Hey that fits you all pretty well! You did say your were family, right?" Jake asked bowing his head and biting on the tip of his pen, Szayel merely stared.

"I should bite your goddamn hand off for making that statement…BUT THEN AIZEN SAMA WOULDN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" The pink haired espada wailed, "Look at these! I found them on the internetz! I NEVER DID ANY OF THAT!" Szayel yelled tossing onto the small table between the both of them a collection of neatly paper clipped papers. Jake arched an eyebrow taking the papers into his hands. "Property of authors on fanfiction dot net…uhm Mr. Szayel these are…"

"DISGUSTING! LIES I TELL YOU LIES! I bet Grimmjow put them up to this…I swear to god I'm going to experiment on him and then chop him into teeny weenie bite size pieces and make FUCKING FAILURE GRIMMJOW CADIES FOR ALL THE FAILURE HOLLOWS! Yesss experimentation is good…KEKEKE!" Jake ignored the maniacal laughter coming from the pink haired man, as his eyes skimmed the pages.

"What the hell is this? It's like…soft core porn…HOW OLD ARE THESE CHILDREN?! Is that…is that a piece of bread?!"

"I told you! Someone is out to get me! I know! Ruin my reputation as the honorable and highly intelligent Szayel Aporro Grantz! That's why I sent a virus into their main frame!" Szayel laughed at this, Jake merely looked at the man in a concerned way. Obviously there was something he was trying to cover up. Indeed these were fangirls they were discussing, but such drastic behavior…something wasn't right. Jake cleared his throat.

"Where exactly did you send this virus, Mr. Grantz?" The pink haired espada leaned back, glaring at the therapist as if he was a moron.

"The CIA of course!" At this moment in time Jake did one of two things, okay never mind he did both things. One: He expelled his tea from his mouth, dousing the gloriously beautifulicious skirt of Szayel, of whom cursed and stood up flailing his hands into the air like a goddamn weirdo. And Two: Jake feared that…well, his patient was doomed, this however was a not so bad conclusion, considering the pink haired man could probably get away with claiming insanity as well as his other fellow brethren awaiting in the waiting room beyond the solid dark oak door.

Jake shuddered. This was only the second one?

"Oh god…"

"OH GOD IS RIGHT YOU FUCK! You know how long it took me to make this gooooorgeous beautifully designed skirt?!" Szayel yelled eye twitching. Jake bowed his head. "I'm terribly sorry, would you like some tea to make it up?" Jake held out a cup and saucer towards the enraged man. He felt it snatched from his grip and heard the glass plate and cup shatter at it was thrown to the table. He looked up, a disgusted face smeared across the Espada's face.

"Let me guess…you don't like tea either?"

**Waiting Room**

It had been a rather long wait in the waiting room, and Aizen could tell his Espadas were getting antsy. He really should just tell them to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up otherwise he'd deliver his " divine 'I'mmastealurvirginity!' punishment upon them" but there were young children around, Wonderwice for one, the little blonde haired bitch was dumb enough…but ah, he was useful.

"Hehehe…" Aizen's laughter was cut short and he returned to reading his Muscle Fitness book as Gin sauntered over.

"That lady by the counter says she's been single for awhile…I mean, it looks like im' Espadas are getting antsy Aizen." Gin muttered as he bent low to his superior's ear. Aizen glared and pouted folding the magazine close a little due to Gin's closeness.

"Leave them. Do you have anymore stress balls?" Aizen eyed Ulquiorra who now held a rather smashed up stress ball. He rolled his eyes, seeing Grimmjow sitting next to him muttering things, which were obviously taunts.

"Hey, hey Uliwhora…guess what?" The black haired-emo espada turned to Grimmjow his neck cracking. "What is it…Grimmjow?"

"YOUR MOM'S A BITCH!" Grimmjow yelled and then walked away. Ulquiorra, under the impression that no one noticed, turned around to fetch something from his back pocket and pulled out a black covered book. He muttered vulgar words and to go along with his muttering they all contained, vile disturbing ways to kill poor innocent puppies, and how no one understood him _**AT ALL,**_ he in all the while was furiously scribbling things down in the notebook.

Gin turned to Aizen, cocking his head off towards Ulquiorra. Aizen merely turned back to his magazine and began whistling the distinct opening song known as Alones by Aqua Timez, the band name inputted for fear of copyright infringement. The ex-third captain let out a sigh and bowed his head, folding both arms into his sleeves, and walked away from the brown haired man.

**Counseling Room**

"I'm very concerned for you Szayel…" Jake mumbled rubbing his temples. The pink haired espada had just finished going on, for about ten minutes mind you, about where he got the design and time and sheer imagination to make his lovely skirt. Also the fact that he didn't appreciate that said skirt being used a god damn catching device for spilt teas and/or other drinks which clumsy, doofus, oaf like therapists spilt on him FOR NO REASON! Jake had apologized but obviously this man held grudges and for stupid shit as well.

"Oh well thank gaaaaawd you're concerned about something! NOT MY OUTFIT THOUGH! Stupid bastard…" Jake pretended he didn't hear that and merely watched the espada sit back down on the couch, arms crossed over his chest, a haughty huff coming out of his mouth.

"Listen it's only a little sta-"

"LITTLE?! YOU CALL THIS LITTLE! It's like…it's like a fucking dead Menos Grande in a goddamn kiddy pool! IT'S HUGE! And! It's ugly! AND! It probably tastes like fucking shit! Dirty ass coffee on my brilliantly white, new, skirt! And dirty ass Menos in a dirty ass pool with dirty ass little children! This is outrageous!" Jake sighed bowing his head. He rubbed the palm of his hands on his pant legs and then turned to look back at Szayel.

"So…on the topic of food…"

"I'M NOT A FUCKING CANNIBAL!"

"R-Right…but hypothetically speaking, Mr. Grantz…if you did eat your own kind why are you so, skinny?" There was a brief period of silence…okay…there was a long, long, looooong, period of silence between the two. The only sound to break this silence was a sigh from Jake and his pen scratching across the surface of his notepad, which by the way, had stick-figure like doodles of Szayel being sent to an insane asylum.

"Szayel," this was the first time he addressed the man by his first name thus enunciating its importance, "if…if you are anorexic there are clinics for that you know?" Szayel's eye twitched and his jaw tightened.

"Goddamn it I just have a fast metabolism!" He yelled back hissing a little and running a hand through his pink hair. Jake shook his head. "No. You have a problem. I'm sure many men…er…things your age," he winced at the hiss that was directed towards him, "Go through this stage. It's SOCIETY! Society is corrupting what children and young teens and adults see as good! All those movie stars and actors!"

"But I don't _**watch**_ T.V. and actors are fucking lame!" Jake didn't stop in his little rant though, giving no heed to Szayel's response.

"All those dietary products and warning labels! School, peer pressure! I know how you feel; I was once a victim of it myself! Hell! That's how I got this stupid fucking job! You think I like sitting here and listening to insane bastards like you tell me their problems?! They should just go commit suicide and be done with it! No one _CARES_ about your problems you cracked out bastards!" Szayel was filing his nails and nodding as if their roles somehow just switched, he pointed at Jake with the file.

"I DON'T GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL! I'm only skinny…BECAUSE AIZEN SAMA COMMANDS IT!" The pink haired espada said with much fervor and undying loyalty in his voice. Jake cocked an eyebrow.

"I see. Aizen sama is a very dominating man, isn't he?" Szayel rolled his eyes.

"You don't even _want_ to know." Jake left it at that…because he sure as hell didn't.

"You know. I happen to be opening a theme park in Hueco Mundo soon. Of course with Aizen sama's approval." Szayel blurted out, it was a rather random fact, but Jake figured it was better then having to pry things out of the man. He tapped his pen on his upper lip, nodding.

"I see. Are you doing this to benefit Hueco Mundo?" Szayel fidgeted.

"Yes."

"Yes you are, or yes you aren't?"

"YES I AM YOU IMBECILE! I AM DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT FOR MY OWN BENEFIT!" Jake sighed, he wasn't going to get into how an amusement park was about to benefit him but he decidedly ventured not to ask. He then resumed to pondered eyes going off towards a stack of brilliant white postcards.

"Szayel I'd like to give you a couple of tests do you mind?"

"YOU MEAN EXPERIMENTS?! Do we kill things and tear out their organs?!" Jake cleared his throat, shuffling the index cards. "No." There was a distinct sigh of regret and aggravation coming from the espada. Jake took out one of the inkblot cards and showed it to the man.

"Tell me what you see." Szayel looked at him as if he were crazy.

"It's an ink blot. Were you trying to paint because I know retarded hollows that could do-"

"JUST TELL ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Jake snapped back.

"It looks like me fucking punching Grimmjow's face in! AND THEN EATING HIS ARM!" He knew it! This bastard really is a cannibal. Jake took out another card.

"This one?"

"Me kicking the shit out of Grimmjow while flowers cascade down around me, COLORED RED LIKE BLOOD!" Another card.

"This one?"

"Me having rough se..."

"Excuse me?!" Szayel laughed.

"Listen if you're not going to take this seriously Mr. Szayel…" the pink haired man merely waved his hand in a gesture for Jake to continue. "Right, right, I was being serious by the way." He muttered.

"Okay, and how about this one?"

"Me punching your goddamn face in if you show me another goddamn card."

"Well…it seems our session is coming to an end…" Jake paused, leering at the pink haired man whose hand was raised, as if he were a child in school. He decided to not further his card experiment…at least not with this one.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Halsenbach…I'd like to ask you a little question of my own!" Jake was preparing for it…for it might happen to be a sensible question although at the rate their session was going he highly truly doubted it.

"I. Being a highly intellectual individual myself feel the need to talk to someone of the same caliber about a certain subject matter that a STUPID FUCKING BRUTISH IDIOT like Grimmjow could never comprehend. So…tell me. Do you think it possible…to make a tea coffee hybrid, and if so…what would one name such a rare concoction of flavor and appeal?!" Jake's eye twitched his hand gripped his pen rather tightly as he clenched his jaw tightly, refraining from saying anything to the pink haired man.

_Okay…WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING?! GOD DAMN IT THIS ONE ISN'T SANE EITHER!_

"Out."

"Excuse me?! You expect to leave without an answer?! I answered all your intrusive questions!"

"I'M PAID TO DO THIS DIP SHIT! Now get the hell out!"

"You never gave me my synopsis!"

"YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY AND A CANNIBAL NOW GET OUT!"

Szayel huffed gave Jake the middle finger and flipped his hair as he did so, and stormed out of the room, leaving Jake to shaking his head…and then after a moment smacking himself with his notepad…for he obviously had gotten himself into this mess and no one but himself deserved this punishment.

**Fin  
**

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Just to let you all know I thank you for your reveiws and I'm glad you're enjoying the sotry so far. x3 It's rather amusing to write. TWO DOWN EIGHT MOAR TO GO! Enjoy this chapter dear readers! 


	3. The Third Victim

Jake never really did mind people that were crazy. No, it wasn't their fault their brains got totally FUCKED! But on some rare occasions he was impartial on giving therapy to people who had put themselves through things that caused them to go insane. These people are, for the lack of better terms and because he was feeling rebellious and not wanting to be politically correct because politics sucked, politicians sucked, and the people who helped the politicians probably sucked one thing or another of said corrupted politicians, so back to the point...that those people are goddamn retards.

Jake believes that if he was somehow an evil dictatorial world ruler-wishful thinking right there- that he would…probably ship them to an island out in the Pacific and blow all their cracked out ass back to fucking hell. But no, instead Jake took up this horrendous job, after five years of schooling, horrible relationships in said schools, all the while he was dealing with his own family matters of having a stupid shit for brains mooching brother. AND HIS MOTHER! Oh how he despised that woman…but for the sake of this chapter and getting it started we won't go into Jake's personal life any longer.

The brown haired psychiatrist blinked and cleared his throat as the door slammed open, and in stepped a rather lanky man. Scratch that…lanky wasn't the term…EMACIATED was better terminology for this freak. Seriously if Jake were to shoot this bastard in the head right now and drag him into the Sahara Desert the goddamn vultures wouldn't even bother wasting their time with him! He let out a sorrowful sigh; wasting time…he thought about his current predicament and thought that the glass cup on the table looked like it'd be a good bludgeoning tool, for him not the freaky pirate elf. HEY! A new species of fucked up individuals! He scribbled that down furiously on his pad, and then drew a screwed up little stick figure of Nnoitra. The lanky, emaciated, pirate, elf man sat down on the all too familiar couch positioned across from Jake's own upholstered leather chair.

**Day One: The Third Victim**

Nnoitra sneered his lone eye dragging its way across the room and the contents within it.

"Soo I'm sure you know why you are here, Mr. Uhm?"

"No fucking kidding I know why I'm here! You retarded or something?!" Jake blinked and cleared his throat, pushing his glasses up a little._ I see…so this is a category five FUCKING ASSHOLE! _ Where the hell was his taser when he needed it?

"Ahem. Yes…of course you do. Your name if you would?"

"Eh. Nnoitra. This place is pretty crappy for a doctor…that pink haired fruit cake outside has his own office…it kicks the shit out of this one." Jake took deep breaths and tried to remain calm. He turned to this Nnoitra person, eye twitching ever so slightly.

"Is…that so. Well I've already diagnosed Szayel so why not start with you now, hm? Tell me a little about yourself, Nnoitra." Jake said plastering an all too fake smile on his face. _Besides the fact that you're a typical grade-A ASS!_ The fifth espada sighed and leaned back into the comfy couch.

"Eh. Well. I'm the best at fucking everything, basically." Nnoitora said rather blandly eyeing Jake with his lone eye. He really didn't know what to make of that statement so he would just have to prod the bas-patient more.

"Everything, you say? Tell me how well do you get along with the others in your uhhh house?" Jake really didn't know if they lived in a house per say, but my god was that a horror show to imagine. So many fuck ups in one building?! He was beginning to think Aizen either got really shit-faced every night to get over all the bullshit that went down, or that this Aizen SAMA was a seriously into some freaky S&M shit. It was probably the latter.

All the while Jake was mulling this over Nnoitra had taken it upon himself to babble on about killing things, smashing people's faces in, and then it came to a man named Tesla. Jake immediately perked up at this.

"Tesla? You mean like…David Bowie Tesla in-in THE PRESTIGE?!" Nnoitra gave him this complete "what the HELL are you talking about?!" look and Jake all but cleared his throat and waved for the long black haired man-thing-espada to continue.

"I dunno what the hell the prestige is but Tesla is one of my NUMEROS!" Jake snorted.

"Is that what they're calling it nowadays?" He seriously had no idea what the hell all this lingo shit was that these freaks used, he seriously thought they were all illegal immigrants, the names, the clothes, the HAIR, they were probably trippy hippie circus freaks. A small bang came from the table and Jake yet again snapped back to reality, unfortunately for him. Nnoitra's long hand was on the table and Jake saw the espada's eye linger of the tea, and he noted that the man grimaced.

"WHAT YOU THINK I'M GAY OR SUMTHIN?!" Nnoitra yelled and grabbed Jake by the collar of his shirt. Not something Jake himself had predicted happening, kay thanks. He also noted that there was like…a tattooed five on the man's tongue…god was that big. It kinda freaked Jake out.

"Is your mother by any chance a giraffe?"

"WHAT?!" He didn't need this dude screaming in his ear either. Jake looked at him square in the eyes…eye? Yeah singular was best.

"Aren't you supposed to be helping me?!" Jake shoved his hand in Nnoitra's face and then pointed off towards the window.

"LOOK IT'S AIZEN SAMA IN A LOLI DRESS!" Nnoitra's eye (SINGULAR IS BEST!) doubled in size and his jaw dropped.

"WHAT?!" Jake all the while deftly put on rubber gloves and grabbed a instrument that one would use for tongue piercing…and no Jake did not work in a piercing parlor on the weekends. Not every character in the story has to be screwed up, ALL RIGHT!

He made a lurch for Nnoitra's tongue and the fifth espada gagged, arms flailing at the fact that his fucking TONGUE was being inspected.

"Hmmm it is a tattoo, intriguing…where ever did you get it done? I'm surprised it's not a unicorn, or a pretty flower." In order to communicate with an asshole, one had to be an asshole! The long haired espada slapped Jake's hand away and was about to grab his gianormus, possibly compensating, weapon from its leaning position against the wall but he paused. Jake noted a sudden wetness come into the man's eye.

"T-Tattoo…NO! More like a branding!!! LIKE CATTLE FOR SLAUGHTER! That's all we are!" It was safe to assume that Aizen might just be selling people as slaves? Black market scheming, I THINK SO! Jake pat the fifth espada on the back while Nnoitra sobbed a little.

"It's all right, everything will be okay." The fifth espada felt it candid to slap the human away from his person and pointed, with a rather long finger mind you, at Jake. As if he had caused the travesty of branding Nnoitra's tongue or something.

"LIES! That's what the fruity, pansy ass pink skirt-wearing fag said too! HE WAS WRONG! Hypothesize he said…dumbass! I'll never forgive him!" Nnoitra seemingly had issues with Szayel, which was all well and dandy, now if Jake could just bring himself to caring…that'd make this all the less painfully boring. He scribbled down none important notes on the pad, such as what to have for dinner tonight, a random girl's phone number he just remembered, and also several names for the pet parakeet he was thinking about purchasing later on this week. That is, of course, if he survived this.

"Sometimes I get so frustrated!!"

"And then you turn green and muscular and go on rampages!" Nnoitra blinked at the man, who returned the stare. Jake waved it off, "Never mind continue, please, I'm all ears." So this prompted a few more gruesome tales of Nnoitra killing shit and stuff.

"YEAH! I smashed her head in real good!" Jake looked up.

"What was that?"

"See there's this bitch named Neliel Tu Oder Schvank, right? And she was always all "girls are better then boys blah blah blah I have giant freakin BOOBS!!" But I showed that skank! SLICED HER IN THE GODDAMN FACE!" Jake blinked at this revelation and sank into his chair a little. _Oh god…another crazy! WHY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!_

"So uh…how old was this woman, Nelilalulalu…no wait that's not it Nelielu blah blah…SCREW IT! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SLICE HER IN THE FACE?!" Jake cried out flailing his arms at a confused Nnoitra.

"I told ya' why! She started it first! She's the bitch! Not me!" Nnoitra stated slamming his hand onto the table. Jake had a bad feeling that his table was somehow going to irrevocably end up either: A) destroy B) damaged in a irreplaceable way or C) Out in the visitor's room and in the face of another one of these screw ups.

The door suddenly opened a small amount a certain pink haired espada made a cameo appearance into their session.

"Mr. Szayel! I'll have to ask you to leave…" Szayel held up one gooooorgeously perfect, self-tailored gloved covered, finger and muttered a few words of information.

"Did he forget to mention how she ued to pwn his ass hard in training and that she's now nothing but a babbling baby! HAHA!" Szayel darted out of the room moments before a teacup crashed against the wall where, had he been still stationed there, would probably sent glass porcelain shards into his face.

The pink haired espada turned to face the slicked back brown haired man, who eyed him with a raised eyebrow, and was drumming his right hand on his left arm. Szayel smiled sheepishly.

"I was merely aiding in Nnoitra's advancement to better mental health, Aizen sama." Aizen, though not known to picking favorites actually scratch that he did have a favorite and if you guessed Uli-WHOR-AH then DING DING give yourself a cookie cause I'm too cheap to give you one, eyed the pink haired espada with an unemotional glance. Szayel somewhat shrank at the man's crud, callous, and over bearing nature. How he hated to be in such close proximity to the leader of Hueco Mundo! Aizen shrugged, an action almost as perplexing as the fact that he was reading a magazine, and he walked off towards his other chattering compatriots.

"She was a _BABY_?!" Jake asked exasperated at the information just given to him.

"N-NO! She wasn't! Don't…don't listen to that fuckin' FRUIT CAKE! He's out to get me!"

"A likely story, Mr. Nnoitra. You're a pedophile, aren't you?" And there went his predictions about his table. Yes it had been one swift, quick stroke, and in those brief moments he hadn't even the chance to say goodbye. All the patients, all the teacups it had balanced, and to be rendered completely destroyed because of…this…THING!

There was an ear-shattering crack and a few woodchips went flying around for an added dramatic effect. THE HORROR! Oh how a burning furious anger swept through him at that moment! Jake couldn't believe his eyes, or ears, or…anything!

"You-!! You!!! YOU SONOFABITCH!" Jake yelled eyes wide with anger and undeniable anger!

"Sometimes the loss of composure is needed for the sake of keeping one's sanity, Mr. Psychiatrist."

"COMPOSURE?! COMPOSURE?! The only thing lost here was the life of my three hundred dollar fucking TABLE!! You goddamn whack job!!" Jake yelled at the espada who was leaning back, quite smugly, in the comfy sofa. Nnoitra merely eyed the doctor with a contemptuous glance.

"Such harsh words aren't good for my psyche Mr. Psychiatrist."

"Oh go shove your psyche up your spoon fetish ass, bastard." It was then that Jake noticed a subtle…okay not all that subtle, change in the espada. It was uhm, rather frightening to say the least.

"Spoon fetish…S-SPOON FETISH?!?!"

"Yes. I diagnose you with a spoon fetish and a major case of being a fucking ASSHOLE!" Nnoitra regarded the man with one of his fugly ass sneers; he really does have overly large teeth though seriously.

"Oh well how about I diagnose you with a case of decapitation by lobbing your bitch ass, smart ass, head off cabron!!" Jake had no clue what the hell the last part was but it probably wasn't anything to be proud about. Damn he wished he paid attention in Spanish class.

"Mr. Nnoitra it's fine to have fetishes, hell even I have some! It doesn't make you a bad person for having one of spoons. I will not judge our session, or your completely fucked up mind, upon your intricate fantasies about spoons." He placed a reassuring hand on the fifth espada's knee. Nnoitra's eye twitched and he snarled, mouth contorting into a rather ugly sneer. Okay…he was always ugly but the sneer made it much, much, worse. Nnoitra slapped his hand away and raised his weapon above his head.

"N-Now…How about them colleagues?!" Jake asked fearing for his life just now and possibly for the rest of the sessions he'd have to endure. Nnoitra grumbled and sat back down his weapon a mere five inches from Jake's head. He sighed and sat down again, pointy shoes catching Jake's eye rather boldly. They really were…pointy. Like…Santa's little helpers pointy. Elf…it could be!

"What about em'? They're all bitches! Grimmjow fails and tries to impress Aizen-sama with his bullshit, goddamn FURRY!"

"Furry?"

"Heh…yeah…Hailbel is bitchy PMSing whore! Stark is a lazy bastard, old guy smells, and I basically wanna chop Uliquorra's emo, kiss ass, I'll be your ass slave Aizen sama head off!!" Nnoitra grumbled, crossing both stick like arms over his chest.

"Uh huh I see. And what about Szayel? Do you have any qualms about him?" Nnoitra's eye twitched, and his lip went up into a half sneer, which by the way was far more ugly than a full sneer. "Don't mention that pink haired cannibalistic bastard." Jake was highly intrigued now, had Szayel actually caused this man…er…thing suffering? If so he'd had to give Szayel a fucking hug! Or not…creepy bastard was creeeepy. He cleared his throat and sat straight in his own chair, fighting the urge to look like he was delighted by this new information.

"Please, Mr. Nnnoitra this is a therapy session. You may confide into me anything you wish, for it's better to let the bad things out than keeping them within us. It's for self preservation, no?" Jake liked how he phrased that, ooooh it could a catchy philosophical AD for his services! But then again…he might actually get more fucktards like these guys! Oh holy hell he actually made something with his own brain and it ends up jeopardizing his own sanity! GODDAMN IT!

"Eh well…fine I guess…goddamn bastard. It all started when pinky gained the gooooorgeous, FUCKING FLAMING, eighth espada spot…" Nnoitra stated clearly making fun of Szayel with his poorly done rendition of him. Jake was going to interject that he had once been the eighth espada…and how did our loveable therapist know this? He slid a copied scanlation of chapter 294 underneath his seat, for safe keeping of course.

**_Flashback tiem!_**

"I see…it's a rather new theory I've come up with Aizen sama." A pink haired and eloquently dressed Espada stated as he walked before the man, known as Aizen, and pushed open the two gigantic double white doors which lead into a room of similar and equal color scheme. Aizen's brown eyes scanned the area and his vision was only directed towards a very large cauldron, white with PINK of course, after he heard the profane shouts of what seemed to be an extremely disgruntled Nnoitra. Szayel's mouth contorted into a smirk as he heard a rather profound snort come from his leader, but it quickly turned into a cough.

"Um, yes, Szayel just what exactly are you doing with Nnoitra?"

"I'M GUNNA FUCKING KILL YOU SZAYEL!" The pink haired man brushed off the threat and merely pushed his glasses up his nose, quickly crossing his arms over his chest as he directed Aizen to a poorly drawn schematic of what appeared to hollows eating stuff and uh yeah.

"You see Aizen sama I've have this amaaaazingly ingenious theory! Spoon-feed the hollows sedatives so they work for you! I even made my own special recipe out of delicious and only the most goooooorgeooooous souls! And seeing as how Nnoitra's ugly horrible fashion sense resembles a spoon I thought to put it to good use with my own little twist on things." Aizen nodded his eyes flashing in understanding and interest. Nnoitra wriggled in his upside down position his spoon like headgear just above the boiling vat of…stuff.

"I see…however did you get him into the position though?" Aizen asked wondering how someone so goddamn difficult like Nnoitra would ever do something so amazingly STUPID. Szayel smiled.

"Oh there's more than one ways to spike a drink, Aizen sama…" Aizen really didn't want to know what the hell the pink haired man did exactly and pushed off any, fangirlish thoughts of crack pairings out of his mind.

"YOU KIDDIN' ME?! This idea fucking sucks! Just like your goddamn hair color you pansy ass WHORE!"

"I see…spoon feeding hollows…INGENIOUS! I'll take it you've tried it on a few?" Aizen said in cordial manner, smiling as both he and Szayel began to depart from the room.

"What hell let me down! I know where you sleep Szayel…you're DEAD!" Szayel turned to the now red in the face fifth espada, who by the way, now had most of his blood rushing to his brain…I wonder can they die like that? OH WELL! Szayel's eyes flashed and he smiled a wicked, twisted, devious smile.

"That's what you get for not giving me any credit for killing off those bitches you pendejo." And both he and Aizen left the room leaving the other to his cursing and well ultimate demise.

"I'M GONNA CERO YOU IN YOUR GODDAMN FACE!"

**_End flashback tiem!_**

Jake stared, mouth agape, at Nnoitra who was to say in the least really fucking pissed now.

"I uh…see well that must've been a traumatizing ordeal for you Nnoitra. I've very sorry to hear that." Even though he WASN'T! Nnoitra nodded and sniffled which wow weird to imagine…CREEPY ESPADA IS CREEEPY!

"YEAH! And I felt bad for the bastard when he woke up the next morning outside in the sand dunes with BLUE FUCKING HAIR!" Nnoitra grumbled.

"Well I can see there is an extreme amount of tension between the two of you…should I ask Szayel come in here for a small group counseling session?" Nnoitra looked at Jake as if he just seen Aizen in a pink frilled maids outfit…which I hope I broke someone's brain with that imagery.

"Yer jokin' right?" Jake really wished he was but…it was his duty! And honor! And oh dear sweet god on rye bread he was going die!

"No, no I'm not."

_Silence…_

"Riiight well I take that as an indifferent opinion." He got up and opened the door; the scene was to say the least something he wished he hadn't been able to witness. There was apparently another one of these Espada asleep on one of the waiting room couches. Grrimmjow was pissing another espada off; Ulqiuorra was his name, and he seemingly was trying his hardest not to kill, or obliterate the sixth espada. Aizen was merely reading a hair care and design magazine not really paying any attention whatsoever to any of the going ons his FREAKY ASS FAMILY WAS CAUSING! Everyone looked up, and Szayel hid what seemed to be a doll looking amazingly identical to Nnoitra and filled with odd things labeled in Spanish, behind his back. He chucked it out the window and went back to avoiding eye contact.

"Gin add that to the list, will you." A man with eyes that were seemingly always closed, which made Jake wonder how the hell he SAW anything, wrote the word window down on a rather long list of things to be repaid for. At least they were nice…sort of?

"Szayel would you please come in for a moment?"

"OOOOOH." Everyone, besides Hailbel, Stark, and Uliquorra, said altogether.

"Shut the fuck up...assholes" The pink haired man flipped his hair and walked into the room.

"Being barbaric and disgusting as ever I see, Nnoitra." Szayel said in one of the most smug and condescending tones Jake had ever heard in his life.

"I'll be barbaric on your goddamn FACE!"

"Now Nnoitra please, we must finish this session on a good note…although you did almost try to kill me, completely destroyed my priceless antique table, and are a complete freaky ass, pointy shoe wearing, asshole. Ending sessions on a good note is the best." Nnoitra hissed at Szayel who was smiling wickedly at him.

"What the hell you so happy about, ass."

"Oh…nothing. I just happened to drop a certain doll out a certain waiting room window with a certain amount of internal organs in it." Nnoitra's eyes widened.

"Oh you sonofabit-" he stopped mid sentence and his face went pale. Jake looked at the longhaired man with minimal concern.

"Is everything…"

"I think my spleen just exploded…" Szayel cackled loudly as he dodged the weapon of Nnoitra.

"Fuck you Nnoitra!" The pink haired man said as he flipped off the other espada, who was now writhing in pain on the couch, and somewhat dashed out of the room. Jake sighed, his head falling between his shoulders, and he shook it back and forth in utter defeat.

"GRAAAH FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!" Nnoitra raged and then gagged.

"I don't think this session accomplished anything you've been diagnosed before…so get the hell out AND STOP BLEEDING ALL OVER MY CARPET!"

"W-What?! What's my diagnosis?!" Nnoitra said with some difficulty as he coughed up some more blood.

"I told you! You have a spoon fetish, are an asshole, and you need to shut your ugly ass mouth!"

"Don't have a spoon fetish!!!" The espada gasped.

"OKAY! FINE! You're a deranged ex-convicted Christmas elf that worked for Santa!"

"Who the fuck is Santa you goddamn human SCUM!"

"Hmm let me make it more clear for you Mr. Nnoitra." Jake held up both hands and with keen eyes he eyed both open palmed hands and turned to the sneering pirate espada, who by the way spleen was exploded. Jake lifted his left hand up a little more then his right, almost imitating a scale of sorts, and he then eyed the espada.

"This is Aizen sama, got it?!" He then looked over at his right hand, "and this is your bitch ass beneath Aizen sama's fucking foot, got it?! Clear? Capeche?! YOU. ARE.AN.ASS.SLAVE.TO.AIZEN!!!!" Nnoitra merely blinked and then coughed up some more blood. Jake's eye twitched and he pointed, with an aggravated finger, to the door.

"GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!" Nnoitra stood up clutching his waist as he did so and walked out the door, slamming it shut and leaving nothing but a disgusted, disgruntled, and damn well angry therapist in his wake.

**Fin  
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Just like to thank all my readers and reviewers! Glad my insanity and stupidity is amusing you all. xD Sorry for the looooong delay in updating, college gives me writers block like whoa, and I appreciate your waiting! Oh yeah, sorry if the chapter isn't as funny as the others...Nnoitra is...hard to write for mainly because I hate him so much and uh yeah his tongue really freaks me out..._ a lot_. Sooo you hope you enjoy and don't forgot to read and review! ;D**  
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	4. The Fourth Victim

Ulquiorra was a sensible, intelligent, and contrary to popular belief, independent Espada. He always knew what to do in what situation and when the right move was best used for his own killing finalized blow. So why then…was he looking at the door of this disgustingly trashy office of this disgustingly trashy ass psychiatrist? Ulquiorra was only beginning his decent forward because a certain SAMA told him to do so otherwise he would undergo Hueco Mundo's divine punishment. Which in lame men's terms meant he'd get his ass royal, spiritually, and severely kicked by Aizen sama himself, and as Ulquiorra truly believed in his black coated, black finger nail painted, mind he was all but too intelligent to disobey the man.

His lightly falling footsteps where all but silent as the jeers from Grimmjow made his jaw tighten and pale-as-a-ghost fist, clench in masked anger.

"Hey! Hey Uli! Don't go sexing up the dude's trash can you FREAK!" Ulquiorra spun around on one sandal covered heel, his breathing getting quite sharp and faster with his own failings to subdue his anger.

Unfortunately Jake had this social paranoia issue, wherein, he made the waiting room's walls slightly less thick then the normal average everyday walls for offices. He could in a sense, hear the entire going ons outside. So… by any chance that someone in the waiting room, who happened to be a reoccurring patient, did indeed say something negative about his own self sufficing business he'd diagnose their ass with bipolarism, or something equally as bad which would undoubtedly put the said person out of a job and possibly ruin their lives forever, and have them sent to the pretty white house with the nice men in white coats. He did admit…straight jackets did have a certain alluring appeal to them that Jake sometimes wondered if he himself had a bondage fetish. So it came as no surprise that when he heard the brutish outburst from Grimmjow that he wanted to hang himself, because yes, his next patient was another fucking nut case.

Ulquiorra stamped his foot, rather roughly, on the tiled black and white checker board flooring so that the room below them which unfortunately was a dentist office –a nice business off to a good start- was affected in a way that the ceiling crumbled a bit and the patient who was waiting for a diagnose on a rather nasty root canal got hit directly in the face with a piece of plaster, and would without a second's notice, nor calculating glance at the building infrastructure, pass charges on the owner of the business. So much for being successful…

"I told you I **do not** have a trash fetish…Grimmjow." Ulquiorra responded his voice like ice needles about to stab its prey with the same, or just as equal, ferocity and power as that of a god about to smite a heretic of its religion. Ulquiorra merely let out a half strangled, half angry, growl as Grimmjow waved his hand, in a placated motion, back at the black haired espada and thus went back to his languid position which consisted of his left cheek being propped up on one hand and his body laying, one leg bent upward the other hanging off the edge of the couch, rather kingly on the couch which Stark was once occupying. The sixth espada was also reading a magazine not suitable for children under the age of eighteen…and yes if you're thinking porn you're probably right, and no it's not Arrancar porn although the thought makes one want to gouge their eyes out with a spoon. Speaking of spoons...Nnoitra was somehow still alive, although missing a spleen and a kidney now, but who cares you only needed one anyway, and he was looking over the couch at the same magazine with lecherous eyes. Stark was severely pissed for the sole fact that he was pushed from his **sleeping spot** and was whispering something to Szayel, eyeing Grimmjow all the while with hateful vindictive eyes, about a certain deal and getting a certain voodoo doll in exchange for doing weekly chores. The pink haired espada merely shook his head ferociously as he now bore a cast for his broken right arm, a few missing teeth, none easily visible because fangirls would die if his GOOOOOOOOORGEOUSness were ruined, and a black eye because Nnoitra had in plain and simple terms royally kicked his ass. Along with Szayel's broken arm Nnoitra had unfortunately broken another object in the waiting room. Although, ironically enough, the broken object happened to be the only coffee table in the entire office's waiting room and also Nnoitra had the unfortunate luck to chip one of Aizen sama's most treasured Ming Dynasty tea cup sets.

Was Aizen-sama pissed? Probably, but the man had the emotional output of a toothpick and that's saying something for the toothpick, not him. Also Aizen was now burdened with the sheer fact that he now had an ass load of reparations that he was surly to be billed for. His mouth twisted into one of his famous and glamorous smiles. How was he going to be billed? His house wasn't necessarily a bright little cottage of sunshine and happy singing birds, oh no, it was HUECO MUNDO! A hate-filled dark, gray, hellish, yet humble and homely, abode in the harsher neck of the woods. Besides when was the last time the IRS sent anyone to an otherworldly dimension...NEVER! Exactly. He'd cheat his way out of this like his did with Shinigami Academy and boy did he cheat in that school…

And while we're in the midst of speaking of Aizen let us take a second to examine Gin Ichimaru our favorite, creepy ass, fox faced captain. Who, no matter what the situation was, always seemed to be smiling. It was as if he was the end product of Soul Society using botox for the first time and after seeing the results the spiritual haven trashed the idea completely instead of having multiple characters having creepy ass, almost pedophilic, smiles walking around. Gin moseyed his way on over to Aizen who was, as usual, sitting on his ass and reading the latest edition of a Home and Gardens magazine. "Hmmm these azaleas wouldn't look too bad around my chair…" he muttered to himself. He paused in his musings, as he knew who had walked over to him.

"Hey…I bet mah entire soul that you can't git that girl's number before the end of this little venture." Gin whispered over Aizen's shoulder. The sharp-eyed man turned to his kitsune-ish faced subordinate, a brown eyebrow raised in a questioning look.

"Are you challenging me to a bet, Gin?"

"Why yes Aizen-sama, yes I am."

"Your on you squinty eyed little bastard, and I already have your soul. I need a decent compensation for using my god-like pick up skills and looks for your little game." Aizen berated a tone of what seemed to anger in his voice.

"Mmm…does virginity count?"

"Yeah sure, your ass is mine…Gin Ichimaru!" Gin blinked as he heard the fervor and passion in Aizen's tone escalate to a seemingly unknown realm. At least he got excited…even if the thing he was getting excited over was only fueling fangirls across the globe and spurring on the creations of tons of fanfics everywhere!

"Like it wasn't already…" Gin muttered with some contempt as Aizen finally got off his ass, for the first time since they all got there, and made his way over to Jake's secretary a slight smirk on his lips.

Even though the author truly loves the waiting room scenes this chapter is actually about Ulquiorra and thus we shall now kindly proceed onward with the story.

On to the main attraction. Ulquiorra was somewhat relieved that he actually was able to get out that annoying hellhole known as the waiting room, but he still had yet to understand why he, one of the most obedient, smart, and overly blunt espada was walking towards this door…to be diagnosed with something he clearly didn't have. Because contrary to popular belief Ulquiorra was probably one of the most sane and normal espada out of the bunch. HAHA…yeah.

**Day One: The Fourth Victim**

Jake was busy straightening up his now somewhat messy room, no thanks to a certain ugly asshole-in-denial-about-having a-spoon-fetish espada, so yes it was like spring cleaning again for him and he hated the spring…and cleaning so this only fueled his hatred for the fifth espada even more. "Damned…foreigners…" he muttered eyeing the clearly destroyed table. He looked up with keen eyes as he heard the door creak open. Did he ever mention that even after having this business for at least FOUR years, not once has that damnable door ever creaked! Now…oh, but now it creaked like an old, decrepit, one hundred year old woman's bones. He wanted to punch something in the face…mainly an ESPADA!

Jake began to notice that there was something irking this clow-I mean person…thing…foreign illegal immigrant! He let out a frustrated sigh, pushing his over hanging bangs out of his face a little with the wind his sigh let off. He eyed Ulquiorra with a wary stare…expecting some sort of out-of-the-norm outburst from this black haired bastard as well. But all he got was a presumptuous, almost berating, stare back from the fourth espada. Jake straightened and cleared his throat as he sauntered over to Ulquiorra. He was skinny…like the rest of them so far…maybe they were all being malnourished by Aizen. It was a possibility…then again none of them ever brought up the subject, which made Jake's mind flicker back to the thoughts of Aizen being their "leader" and "master" yeaaaah he rather not think about S&M shit right now but this sure as hell was smelling like it! Although people from other countries usually had different lifestyles…different gross domestic product…maybe they all had to work for a living on a-ON A FARM! Possibly even a nuclear fallout site, given their outrageous hair colors and overall screwed up personalities! Jake coughed motioning for Ulquiorra to take a seat in front of his…demolished table. "Please don't mind the mess…your brother-"

"He's not my brother." Ulquiorra stated with an indifferent tone to his voice. Jake chuckled finding it odd that a family doesn't consider its members brothers, but what the hell he'd go with it so as to further prevent the deterioration of his sanity any further. He noted something about this man…his face, it was, it was oddly white…an almost ghostly color white at that which perplexed the psychiatrist even more so, seeing as how the only known people in their universe who had such skin tones were damned albinos. He was all but too curious so he had to ask…which kinda made him regret his own deplorable need to question EVERYTHING. "Are you…by any chance, a clown?"

Now as irony would have it Ulquiorra was far from being a clown and the author would like everyone who reads this to LOL at this fact. But of course you would…otherwise why would be reading such a fanfic in the first place?

Bright green eyes blinked back at Jake with mild confusion and, if Ulquiorra weren't so good at hiding his emotions, one would notice they had a tinge of anger in them as well. "Excuse me?" Jake laughed, leaning back on his chair to an almost dangerous angle and he sat up quickly waving his hand in a dismissal of the question. "N-Never mind, never mind! Just me and my big mouth again! SO, uh, tell me what is your name?" The black haired espada muttered something under his breath, something along the lines of 'trashy trash, trash, etc' you get the point.

"I am the fourth Espada, Ulquiorra Schiffer." He replied in his usual dead-as-a-sack-of-potatoes-voice. Jake really wondered why the hell they kept telling them their numbers. It was like they were a damn marketing product or something. NEW JUST FOR CHRISTMAS THE POSABLE CLOWN THE FOURTH ESPADA ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER! He snorted loudly as his over active imagination took over him again and Ulquiorra regarded the man with loathsome eyes. "Ah, right…Schiffer…your German then?" Jake always liked to know where someone was from. Germany…ha…damn commis! The black haired espada stared back at Jake with his usual bland, dead as a doorknob, expression.

"Ahhhh…mmm all righty then, don't bother answering. Now we'll start your session, Ulkey…Ukalale…Ulqiblah-OH WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR NAME IS!" Jake yelled. Ulquiorra's eyebrows knitted together. "I would kindly ask you to not yell, it's quite unbecoming of something already so…trashy."

"Yeah well your face make-up and finger nails are TRASHY so shut the hell up, emo boy." Jake spat back not really knowing what the hell he was saying and who the hell he was saying it too. Ulquiorra just blinked and then took out his all too familiar black-bound notebook and began to scribble something in it. Jake was curious to see what it was Ulquiorra was drawing or maybe that was a bad thing a very, very, very bad thing. He had seen a show recently on the telly…what was it called? Death Journal…Death Klok…DEATH NOTE! That was it. Yeah Uli's book looked like a cheap beggars poor rendition of a death note to scam some idiotic twelve year old into purchasing it so they could buy more liquor to drown themselves, and their smelliness, in woe and self pity! Ah how he loved the lower class of society. He coughed, eyeing the fourth espada with care.

"If you don't mind me stating I'm going to be taking a different approach then with all the others. So…how do you go about relieving stress, Ulqiuorra? I know living with so many…eh, errr, uhm…siblings it must be quite taxing on the mind and body." Ulquiorra's head shot up with a quick snap of his neck, that Jake himself thought he severed his spinal cord…but alas, he didn't too bad that meant more work him. A pale white hand shot out its black painted fingernails clenching the seams of the book. Jake sighed and took it from Ulquiorra and low and behold this book merely summed up the now repeating deduction that all these bastards were bat fuck insane. Within this little book there was scribbled Linkin Park lyrics amidst the gruesome, rather poetic, lines of haikus and poems that rival that of Edgar Allan Poe. He scanned the overly detailed death traps that were seemingly positioned around Las Noches' inner workings and wondered just how in the _**hell**_ Ulquiorra got away with any of this. He flipped back quite a few pages, keeping his laughter under control as much as humanly possible for the Linkin Park and other emo-esque band lyrics were really, really, getting to him.

Crawling in my skin…

These wounds can't not be reallll  
Trash is how I fall

Confusing what is real

There's something in this tea that pulls beneath the surface  
Confusing, consuming

I lack a spine so I can never say no to Aizen

Controlling I can't seem

To find my trash can again…

Jake just stopped reading there because he literally busted out laughing. Ulquiorra snatched his prized, fake bloodstain on the cover, book back from the now teary eyed man.

"Oh god…my spleen I think is popped or something." Jake went into another fit of laughter. Ulquiorra just stared at floor his normal dull-emotionless face turning into one of sadness, darkness, and sheer and utter teen drama emoness. His emerald green eyes weld up with hidden tears, tears that he could not express nor show! For his fellow espadas would surely call him a pansy, ass, bitch if he did. Jake coughed calming down a bit as he grabbed his freshly brewed cup of tea from the barely standing table.

"I-I'm sorry. Let's talk about this, Uli."

"I don't want to talk about it." The fourth espada said an indignant pout on his face.

"Listen. Everyone has their quirks…yours is just…you're a damn emo and friggen cry baby that writes really bad song lyrics!" Jake laughed again.

"I'm glad my mental torture and sheer frustration with life is amusing you." Ulquiorra snapped.

"Oh yeah, it is. Thanks for this. I'm am glad though that you do something constructive with your time instead of your other fucked up siblings." Jake responded nodding. The black haired espada narrowed his eyes.

"What kind of psychiatrist are you?" Jake snorted into his cup before helping himself to some more of his French vanilla tea.

"Obviously I'm not a very good one, seeing as how ass clowns like yourself are still walking around on this planet. I do my best though, really, I do." Jake replied with a smile. Ulquiorra grumbled something to the effect of 'asshole' or possibly even 'trashy trash eating asshole.' The black haired espada stood up then, his hands going to his helmeted head, "You don't understand!!! It's so…FRUSTRATING! Being Aizen sama's ass slave! Day in and day out! I…I CAN'T EVEN CUT MYSELF BECAUSE MY SKIN IS STRONG THEN TITANIUM STEEL ALLOY!" Ulquiorra wailed. Jake really expected as if to finish off the package, for the fourth espada to start crying tears of blood or maybe even black tears? God that would make his line of work all the more amusing.

It just so happened that at this point in time a certain silver-haired, fox faced, used to be captain of the third squad but now was the lowly subordinate of squad five's captain, over heard the conversation going on within the room's inner workings. Ichimaru frowned turning his head to Aizen, but his gaze went to Yammy and Wonderwice, both of whom were fighting with a vending machine in the corner. He shook his head getting back to the main focus…Aizen-sama. "Ah uhm…Aizen." Aizen turned a little from his propped up position in front of the front desk where the secretary sat her face flushed and her eyes down cast as she typed up "things" for Jake. Gin pouted, mentally berating himself for the sole fact that he actually left Aizen alone with someone…and a female for that matter. "Damn women stealer…" he muttered under his breath. "I'm thinkin' Ulquiorra is gettin'all upset again, Aizen." Aizen merely sighed, delved into his pocket and tossed a bottle at Gin. Within this bottle was in the bluntness of terms "Happy pills". The container did nothing to help the situation either because it had a poorly drawn picture, artisanship that rivaled that of Rukia Kuchiki, of Ulquiorra's head and on it, it said 'Don't be sad, get happy!' on its white plastic surface. Gin opened the door with a flurry of movement and chucked the bottle directly at Ulquiorra's head, where it preceded in its designated path and hit the Espada dead on in the right side his head. This sudden influx of movement to the fourth Espada's cranium made his all too special, drug-carrying eyeball to fall out of his head and into the teacup positioned in front of him.

"HOLY SHIT!" Gin flinched a little as he heard Jake swearing and the prompted moving of chairs as either him or Ulquiorra went to look at the now floating eyeball in the tea cup. "Sorry!" Gin replied with his, all too perfect to be faked, creepy pedo smile before slamming the door shut on the astonished, bewildered, and somewhat confused face of Jake Halsenbach.

"What the hell is that?!" Jake cried, pointing to the white bottle lying on the couch beside a Cyclops Uliquorra. The espada grumbled grabbing his eye out of the tea and wiping it off before promptly popping it back into his ghost white head. Ulquiorra's eyes brightened a bit from their all too normal and customary darkened, drab, lackluster look as he picked up the bottle. His face contorted into a frown again, not like it wasn't already in a frown but this one was far more visible and just yeah…bigger, as Jake snatched up the bottle from the espada's hand. The pills were…oddly familiar to the psychiatrist and something in his mind snapped as he finally realized what they were. Sure they said 'happy pills' on the outside and oddly the phrase was written on the surface of the pill as well. But some on them contained pictures of happy little forest creatures and such. Ulqiuorra glared at Jake. "I need those. They make me feel…happy." Jake eyed the espada as if he was well, as if he was insane.

"Uh-Ulquiorra…these aren't 'happy pills'." There was no reply as the black haired man sat before Jake.

"…" Jake let out an incredulous and somewhat frustrated sigh at the mere fact that Ulquiorra, who came off as being smart and knowledgeable, was in fact…gullible and friggen moronic.

"This is GHB and Rohypnol, Uli."

"…" More silence. It was something Jake was going to have to deal with. He found it quite perplexing and strenuous that whenever the hell he diagnosed someone those damn crickets went off. His eyes shot to the corner where he could have sworn the musical symphony of crickets was originating from. He'd have to call the exterminator…again. The damn crickets seemed to chirp at the most inopportune times.

"They're DATE RAPE DRUGS FOR GODSAKES!!! What the HELL are they teaching you kids in school nowadays?!" Jake cried shaking the bottle furiously then slamming it on the table, which due to the impact fell to pieces again, well he had only taped and glued it together…

"Well…that does explain my lapse of memory for the past seven nights." Ulquiorra mumbled to himself and he looked away from Jake. The psychiatrist merely sighed, hung his head, and with a pointer finger and thumb rubbed both eyes in utter disbelief.

**Waiting Room**

"Uh-oh. Aiiiizen samaaaa…damn woman stealer…"

"And then I says to her, 'I'm sorry Momo! It just would have never have worked between us!!' Then I stabbed the fanwanking bitch-I mean I broke the poor girl's heart! Or…broke some other organs." Aizen exclaimed to the dreamy-eyed secretary who was now looking at him like a damn fangirl in paradise.

"Oh Aizen! You're so dramatic!"

"Hahaha! I KNOW, RIGHT?! How's about you let this future ruler of heaven spread some holiness on you, eh?" The girl could only giggle as Aizen moved in to make his move.

"YO PIMP DADDY!" Aizen's head shot towards Gin, eyes narrowing as he was interrupted so unceremoniously. "Hm? Wha-Oh! Gin yes, what is it now?"

"You gave Uli-chan the wrong pills." Aizen felt in his other pant pocket, letting out a sigh and rolling his eyes. He then grumbled. "Damn."

**Counseling Room**

"I just…I just feel so USED! Abused and frustrated with my own push-overness and being a complete bitch! I'm so sad…Ulquiorra…is a very, very, sad, espada." The black haired espada whimpered taking small sips of his tea as he let out small sobs after each. Jake rolled his eyes, though not visibly, for the poor black haired espada was already in a state of emotastic self pity that even the slightest disregard for his feelings may lead him to jumping out the window.

"There, there Ulquiorra. We just need to you to think happy thoughts, is all. Tell me, who out your whole 'family' would you say annoys you the most?" Jake asked patting the fourth espada on the back to quell his sadness and sobs. Ulquiorra looked up with indignant eyes. "Grimmjow. He-he threw me into an alternate dimension time out once with one of those cube things." Jake blinked at this.

"So you're saying he threw you into a transdimensional 'time out' space by using a cube that somehow alters and tears open the fabrics of reality?" Ulquiorra could only nod, as if his inner depression was making his head all but too heavy to lift so all he could do was stare at the carpeted floor of the office.

"…yes that is correct."

"Have those drugs you've been packing in your eye affected your brain in anyway, Mr. Schiffer?" The espada sprang up from his seat, throwing Jake to the floor. Uli pointed with one black nailed finger. "HE TOLD YOU THAT! Didn't he?! I suppose he lied about me having a trash can fetish too! Just because I call everything trash does not mean I have a fetish!" Jake gulped as he sat, now perfectly far away, from the fuming espada. A trashcan fetish was…indeed interesting. Christ this guy has the emotional output of a goddamn erratic crack whore working with an electrical piece of equipment, THAT'S DYSFUNCTIONAL! Which meant…it was really fucked up!

"Arrrg! He…him and his stupid…TRASHY, TRASH TURQUOISE HAIRED TRASH SELF! So frustrated!"

"I'm sure there are plenty of things you could do to subdue your frustration. Reading, writing, juggling…"

"I am **not** a _**clown**_." Jake laughed a little as he rubbed the back of his head. "Ahaha yeah, sorry about that. You-You're just going to have to keep on reminding me…cause that whole facial get-up is just too perfect." Ulquiorra wanted to DIE or go to his room and listen to dark, depressing music while he unsuccessfully tried to cut himself. Jake was quite perplexed really. Also…he felt his mind slowly and painfully dying. If only to have it reborn…as a phoenix, a phoenix made out of undeniable shit. That imagery was enough to make him gag and for the first time Jake actually believed there was no God…anywhere. And no, that God was not sitting in his waiting room HITTING ON HIS SECRETARY! Ulquiorra contrary to his fellow Arrancar and espada members had the decency to stop in his own self-loathing and pitying and ponder to himself if the man was choking, and then laugh maniacally in his head. For the depressed, darkened soul, black finger nailed, emoesque espada never learned how to laugh! To be seen doing so by any mortal creature would surly compromise his title as Emo-bitch, or Aizen's emo sex toy! But then again…why the **hell** would he want those names to begin with?! This all in itself prompted another depressing cloud of sadness to drift over the espada.

Jake was just fine with it. The damn bastard never even once helped to see if he was choking. He was probably better off with a fucking BLIND person then Ulquiorra Schiffer. "Don't mind me! I just almost drowned to death with my own tea!" The fourth espada only nodded. Jake let out a sigh.

"Listen, Uli. You're…just really, really depressed. I'm going to diagnose you with being a complete emotard and a uh…gullible ass slave? Yeah that sounds wonderful, now get out of my office."

"But you…never helped me…"

"AH! Okay you want some help!" Jake walked over to his desk and pulled out a handful of magazines…not suitable for children under eighteen. "Here these make people happy, have fun."

"You're…giving me porn magazines to quench and subdue my deep pitted and hopelessly fragile emotions which I have to hide behind a mask everyday of my life?!" Ulquiorra asked somewhat passionately. Jake smiled; both eyes closed as he did so, and nodded pushing a dumbstruck Ulquiorra towards his door.

"Have a good day."

"Some of these are…of men."

"Oh…gay pron…that's not mine." Seriously it wasn't. It was a patient! A patient with an extremely overactive sex drive mind you! He snatched them from the Espada and chucked Ulqiuorra's emo diary at the back of his head. He opened the door to his waiting room only to find himself wishing he truly had not done so.

"Are you…are you hitting on my secretary Mr. Sōsuke?" Aizen turned to Jake in his rather precarious and suggestive position with the young secretary.

"Why yes, yes I am Mr. Halsenbach."

"Goddamn foreigners!!!" Jake yelled before slamming the door to his office after hearing the giggling of his secretary and her all but compromising position with the man who was by far, one of the most screwed up individual's Jake had ever seen.

**Fin**

* * *

**A/N:** The author would like to tell you all that everyone is a wonderful reader and she kindly thanks you for your reviews! Also that you should review! YES! NEED MOAR REVIEWS, KEKEK! I'll stop now. Oh yeah, don't flame me for making Ulquiorra's character OOC…cause the bastard is totally an emo on the inside. That's all! Read, be happy, Roflcycle if you have to, I'm terribly sorry this chapter is so effing long and that it took so long to put up! And this chapter relating to Ulquiorra's number was totally unintentional! LOL FOURTH POWER!  



	5. The Fifth Victim

**Jamaica: Somewhere??**

It was fine. Everything was going to be _**fine**_ right? RIGHT?!

"No dude! He's totally going to be the Ray Charles for our band, man!"

"Bitch puh-lease! He can't see! He can't play no piano brother! And he don't even look like Ray!"

"You foos dunno what you're talkin about. Ray Charles was _blind_ he'd fit the roll perfectly!"

"But he can't even see the _**keys**_, man! You dunno what you're talkin about, musician my ASS! We're a Reggae band we don't use PIANOS!" Tousen sighed, his head bending down towards the floor which he could not see. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he was beginning to feel the onslaught of a terrible, terrible migraine. It was to rival the one he had gotten when Wonderweiss and Yammy were arguing, not that Wonderweiss could really back himself up much being all…DERRRR and all, but all in all they were arguing by means of biting, kicking, ceroing, etc. about whether the position of the moon in Hueco Mundo moved…which it clearly did not. But seeing as how they were the least bright of the bunch and the sheer fact that they even conjured up such highly sophisticated thoughts had all but left Tousen mind boggled, and had given him one of the worst headaches...ever.

"He can play the drums man!" One of the men shouted. Tousen was seemingly mistaken for someone these men knew, for he had never even heard of Ray Charles before…but he apparently had suffered the same fate as he had and was blind. His mouth contorted into a mildly large frown.

"But I play drums you fool!" Another man shouted back. Tousen hung his head more and was deciding on whether to kill himself now, or later possibly the latter because Aizen MIGHT, now that was the keyword, he MIGHT actually come to save him? Wishful thinking right there. If he wasn't blind already he'd probably gouge his eyes out with a spoon…no wait that reminded him too much of Nnoitra, goddamn asshole, maybe a spork...yeaaah you could get all the nerves out with one of those.

"Yeah well…YOU JUST GOT SACKED! Get the hell outta mah face!" There proceeded to be a tussle and a fight presumably broke out, for many people shouted, chairs slid across the bar floor and glasses cracked…probably over someone's head. Tousen merely sauntered out of the bar, in an unknown city, into an unknown alleyway. HE WAS JUST SENT OUT TO GET COFFEE!!! He began to sob in the dark, desolate, corner LIKE HIS SOUL! For he knew this was the worst day in his life!

"Aizen sama!!! I will return!!! Someday!!!" Tousen cried, before turning back around to find his Rastafarian kidnappers blankly staring at him.

"That ain't your boyfriend, is it?" Tousen coughed, then looked back at them…or in their direction cause you know…yeaaaah.

"What? …NO!"

"Good. Cause I don't want to have to pay for a damn marriage counselor for you and your bitch while we're on tour. Now git yo ass over here!!" Tousen muttered something obscene and something about a death note and justice…and KEKE MOAR JUSTICE DESU, as he walked over to his captors…he wondered if Aizen-sama was going to rescue him anytime in the near future…or you know RIGHT THE FUCK NOW WOULD BE NICE!!

**The Office: Waiting Room**

"Hnnn, Aizen-san?" A sneaky voice whispered. Aizen cocked a brown eyebrow as he turned away from his latest addition to his, FANGIRL SWOON NEED MOAR AIZEN, army. He grumbled something about Gin being here at the wrong time and being everywhere at the wrong time, and just being wrong…all the time!!

"What is it, Gin? Can you not see that I am trying to procreate with this lovely female for a future successor for my throne in heaven once I die?" Gin was going to respond with the obvious fact that they were already dead and therefore couldn't die…well actually they could which made him reconsider his whole…let's play chicken with the oncoming traffic with Wonderweiss. Though the idea of Wonderweiss getting hit by car with his completely stupid expression made Gin snort out loud and get another contemptuous stare from his leader. He cleared his throat before continuing onward with what he was mildly…actually no, he wasn't really concerned at all and with a slight gander about the waiting room, none of the Espada seemed to care much either. But what the hell someone had to ask, right?

"I was wonderin' where's Tousen gone off ta?" Gin asked his constantly squinting eyes looking down at Aizen and his rather promiscuous position with Jake's secretary. The fox man grimaced a little and coughed turning away a bit.

"…Who?" Gin just stared at the man…and then came the chirping. It was as if the Espada were intent on listening in on their leader's conversation for they too had silenced and looked, though eyes were somewhat adverted, at Aizen as well.

"You know…Tousen." Gin replied getting the hint Aizen hadn't a fucking clue as to whom he was talking about. The man just blinked, staring at Gin like he had multiple creepy ass floating heads, LIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE –Hinthint-!! The other former captain took out a picture from his sleeve pocket and handed it to Aizen. The wannabe-god, I mean…the soon-to-be-kickass-god-in-ur-thronz-messing-your-shit-up, quirked his perfectly trimmed eyebrow his eyes lingering on the photo of none other than Izuru Kira.

"Um…this is your-" Like a fox Gin snatched the photo away and smiled, not like he really could anymore than he already did, but he managed it…somehow. He coughed, "oh uh…wrong picture…here ya' go!" He replied smiling as he handed over a picture of a man with dread locks. Aizen's eyes kindled with an enlightened and new recognition.

"Ooooooohhhh! That's Tousen! Haha I sent him out for coffee ages ago…I wonder where he is?" Gin just brought a hand to his face and shook his head as Aizen went back to laughing and smexing up the completely and totally underage secretary.

"Ooooh slap me twice and give me to a bowl of corn pops! That chick is mighty fiiiine!" Nnoitra commented, his one lecherous eyes gleaming oh so…lecherously as both he and Grimmjow looked at the centerfold of Grimmy's totally un-PG13 porno mag -that isn't Arrancar Porn-. Szayel had the balls to saunter on over to the two of them pushing his all too trendy, extremely thick rimmed, glasses up his alabaster nose as he did so. His brownish red eyes sparkled with mischievous, MAD SCIENTIST, intent and Nnoitra could only scowl upon seeing the pink haired espada next to him.

"Yeah. I'd definitely tap that, hey Uli! You think you could spare a few trash cans for this babe?!" Uliquorra's black haired unicorn helmeted head whipped around from his seat by the entrance way of the waiting room, he was staring at nothing...like usual and his mind was teeming with new ideas on how to express his overly emotional self. Those thoughts soon blew up into flames like a fighter jet during goddamn D-Day and his green eyes blazed with a deep seeded, relentless, unmerciful anger as he heard Grimmjow call his name. His normal frown was etched even deeper now and he stood up, glaring daggers at the teal haired espada, sticking his hands in his pockets and walking on over to the seemingly surmounting congregation of his fellow Espada. Nnoitra's trashy, cynical, overbearingly annoying, laugh passed through Ulquiorra's ears, and he felt himself wishing he hadn't pulverized that stress toy. Though…the spooncar's face would make for a nice, durable, and even portable punching bag now that he thought about it.

"Heh. I'd do that in a second!" Nnoitra commented as Grimmjow tilted the magazine to the side for the centerfold picture. Szayel…he was smart, indeed he was the ingenious scientist of the espada, but damn did he have a big mouth and apparently and equally as big tongue…but the author shall deter from the further mentioning of that -seeing as how there are many a fangirl with equally as active imaginations that can create nonsensical, if not comical, pairings with Szayel and his overly long tongue-. The pink haired man scoffed, waving his hand in a girly fashion as he was about to say something he probably knew he shouldn't be saying. "I doubt with a ugly ass mug like yours that anyone would ever let you touch them, but perhaps you could French a giraffe or two you have the tongue make up for it." Szayel replied, his face paling and his brownish red eyes stared back into the extremely pissed off sneer of Nnoitra.

"That's IT! It's 'Happy Birthday' time for you bitch!" Nnoitra snarled snatching a rather distressed, fearfully wide-eyed, Szayel by his collar. Szayel looked like he was doped up on some heavy shit, because he was flailing all over the place like a fishy!

"OH GOD, NO! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! FORGIVE MEEEEE!!! Not Happy Birthday! Anything but Happy Birthday!!" The pink haired espada wailed clawing at the floor as Nnoitra dragged him towards a conveniently placed coat closet, with a bemused and almost enjoyable look.

"AIZEN SAMAAAAA HELP MEEE!!!" Were the last cries to be heard as the closet door slammed shut. Ulquiorra sat down beside Grimmjow, grimacing at the magazine an emerald eye going to the turquoise ones of the sixth espada. "Disgusting." Grimmjow snorted waving an arm around as if the comment was merely an annoying fly. "You should talk, trash boy." Uli contained himself, but he might need dentures by the time this whole STUPID TRASHY ASS TRASH FIELD TRIP was over with, because he kept grinding his fucking TEETH. He coughed eyeing the closet as there were sounds of undeniable disgustingness and horror being exuded from it.

"What is this…'Happy Birthday' Nnoitra was talking about?" Ulquiorra asked his interest obviously piqued at the whole ordeal befalling the poor eighth espada. Grimmy just shrugged not really paying attention to Ulquiorra as he went back to "reading" his porno mag. Stark apparently was listening, though the man was seemingly sleeping up against the wall behind the couch but whatever I guess he wasn't, GODDAMN NARCOLEPTIC BASTARD! Ulquiorra slid over a bit, getting a grunt from Grimmjow at the now nearly nonexistent space between him and his unicorn helmet compatriot.

"So…you wish to know what 'Happy Birthday' consists of, do you?" Stark muttered as if the tools used were like secret ingredients to a main course keeping a seemingly B-rated restaurant on its feet, and therefore if it were founded out by some other chefs they would surely cook it better, more refined, and overall…end up kicking ass. Ulquiorra nodded with a seemingly hidden excitement; his green eyes all but dripping interest and exaltation. Stark cleared his throat before beginning, "I believe a hack saw, a tuna fish, a pair of pliers, lubrication, a beaver, and…" he paused looking at Uli's disgusted facial features. "and… a spoon." He heard the obvious, trying to hold it in because it's totally out of character; snort from Ulqiuorra and all the while everyone in the waiting room heard the obvious cries for help being issued from Szayel from within the closet yet no one really cared to help him.

Jake really couldn't put his finger on it. How was someone…or a group of somebodies SO WHACKED OUT?! It just…didn't make sense! He ruffled his hair as he spun around in his leather spinny chair a knock on his door issuing a rather blunt, loud, and over exaggerate groan from the psychologist. He sighed, rubbing his eyes with a forefinger and thumb, he really needed to get wasted tonight maybe he'd fall and get knocked unconscious or perhaps damage his short-term memory lobe on his brain, damn he really wanted that right about now. "Come in. Whoever the hell you are…maybe I should just diagnose you with being a complete screw up." There was a cough and Jake looked up from his random doodles which depicted mostly every single Espada in a nice white building with lovely matching white jackets, and shoes, and wow! That Szayel guy would probably like that…fruit cake. Jake's eyebrow quirked up a bit as the extremely tall figure stepped into his office. The dude had to like bend down just to get through the freakin door! Jake's eyes followed the man…er…thing to the very point of him, or it, walking up to him. He stifled a snort. Nice fashion sense this dude had…nice neck ruffle too. Jake thought within the confines of his all but messed up mind. He bet this guy could work on one of those potato chip commercials. With that uncanny realization he decided to get this session over with, maybe if he did it faster it'd be less painfully detrimental to his own sanity!

"Ah…nice to meet you Mr." Jake was presumably cut off. What the hell was it with these bastards and cutting him off?! He glared at the masked man before him.

"Aaroniero Arruruerie…I am…the ninth espada, Aaroniero Arruruerie."

**Day One: The Fifth Victim**

"All right Mr…er I'll just call you tubey." There was a cough, actually, there were two coughs coming from the thing standing before him. "Tubey?" Jake nodded as he absentmindedly pointed to the couch, ushering for Aaroniero to sit. "Well you kinda look like a giant walking test tube…although you're also uncannily similar to a certain sex to-"

"Tubey is FINE!" The espada snarled back making odd noises from behind his helmet. The psychologist hid a rather big smirk as he jot down the name Tubey on the pad, and underneath it he wrote 'AA' and no it totally wasn't an Alcoholics Anonymous joke. Jake wondered if the man was truly a vampire he couldn't make any other outrageous claim that would suffice in diagnosing this things behavior, and eccentric look. He tapped his chip with his ballpoint pen nibbling on the blunt end a bit at his brown eyes, behind black rimmed rectangular glasses, scanned the espada. "You aren't a nasty emotarded, my parents hated me so they stuck me in the basement of their secret lab and did 'KEKEKE' experiments on me, hate child are you?" Jake asked. He had to be sure…he was quite dreading the removal of that holey face-plate but it was his nature, in these one on one counseling sessions, to talk face to face with the fuc-I mean extremely mentally strained individual. There was a brief pause of silence before those GODDAMN crickets started chirping again! Jake's eye twitched, he was going to genocide the cricket population…one day, one day.

"Er…uhm, no? I…never had parents, none of the espada have!" Arroniero exclaimed in a fervent manner. Jake rolled his eyes, "well that's apparent, you're all bloody fucking insane," as he began to write down some meaningless observations.

"I will kindly have to ask you to remove your uh…helmet? Face plate…license plate…you're a car underneath that entire neck ruffle, aren't you?" If the ninth espada had removed his face plate at that given time one would have seen the most screwed up, angered, and a somewhat I'm-going-to-eat-your-flesh-after-sending-your-soul-to-Satan, expressions to rival the most angered of sociopathic psychopaths. Buuuut instead Aaroniero merely coughed, _**twice**_ and held up a hand in a defensive gesture.

"I rather not, you see this is my...happy mask, Aizen-sama makes me wear it alll the time! And you're just brimming with sarcasm aren't you, Mr. Halsenbach?"

"Oh you know my name already? I'm terribly honored. And no…actually I don't. Please enlightenment me. I'm sure after all the other bullshit your sibl-er comrades have put me through, due to their amazingly fucked up personalities, yours would only be adding on another layer onto the already extremely towering cake of completely fucked up personages that plague this family like the black plague in fourteenth century Europe." Jake gave a smug smile at the speechlessness of the espada who merely hung his head, shaking it a little as he did so.

"I…do not like the light…so if you could possibly close the blinds?" At least if he complied with his simple request this man…goddamn human that he was wouldn't get too freaked out. He could take on the form of KAIEN-DONO!!! But this human presumably had a rather large, pointy, and thick stick up his ass or maybe it was just his nature to be a complete dick wad so that was really an option. OH WELL! It wasn't he who was to have nightmares this night to come! Aaroniero silently and manically cackled inside his head…er…heads. Jake narrowed his eyes.

"Unless you're a clinically registered albino or somehow a screwed up individual who believes he is a vampire, which I wouldn't be surprised given some of the shit your comrades have already told me so far, then the answer is no. And as with terms of being clinically registered I'll have you know you probably aren't because the way you people dress and look I doubt anyone in the entire world wouldn't know who are, which brings up my next concluding point being that if you were albino I, and probably the whole planet, would know who you were Mr. Arrugal-Arruwai-TUBEY!" Aaroniero half growled, half hissed at the butchering of his last name but he knew that Aizen SAMA would not approve of him eating this man nor turning him into a shish kabob for that matter. So the ninth espada merely sat silently, hands balling into tightly clenched fists occasionally, as he envisioned hideous acts of torture which he could be performing upon the psychologist. He rather regretted having to give into the despicably, weak, human's request but he supposed he couldn't go back to his pointless daydreaming in the waiting room if he was here for too long, so without further ado he began to take his mask off…oh joy.

Jake felt like they were actually making some headway in this little session of theirs as the earth-shattering moment of helmet removal began to occur. He heard the snap as bands holding the helmet gave way and somehow…Jake wasn't mildly surprised that he hadn't wished for the removal of the helmet…for his own sanity of course.

"JESUS CHRIST ON A TRICYCLE!!!" There was a loud crash from the room and everyone in the waiting room, minus Aizen because he was off somewhere…doing something with an underage secretary, turned to the door of the office.

Stark sighed, shaking his head as he resumed his reading of Discover Magazine -seeing as how there was an article on narcolepsy-. Uli just cringed as the yell knocked out perfectly good emo lyrics from his head and he wanted to cut himself with his horn, because sitting next to Grimmjow was all but infuriating and if not self promoted torture. Grimmjow just barked a laugh and went back to…uh yeah…pronz. Nnoitra's ugly ass mug popped out from the closet and he grabbed the beaver by the tail as it tried in a failed attempt at escaping, and yes him and Szayel where in there for that long…and no I DO NOT SHIP THAT PAIRING!!! Get your minds out of the gutter people! The pink haired espada's groans of pain and sheer agony were finally drowned out, much to the relief of everyone in the waiting room, but only for a brief glorifying second.

"He must've taken off his mask, hnn?" Grimmjow commented his eyes still resting on the magazine as everyone silently nodded not really paying any more attention and going back to their business of TAKING UP SPACE. Gin walked over to the office door and sighed, shrugging as he went back to tormenting Yammy and Wonderweiss by actually getting food and beverages out of the vending machine whereas all their pitiful idiotic attempts had failed.

"What the HELL is that?!!!" Jake yelled pointing a sturdy, though it was slightly shaking, finger at Aaroniero. The espada crossed his arms over his chest and sighed rolling both sets of eyes. He wiped the tea, due to Jake throwing a teacup at his lovely Windex shined head, off of his tank head…thing.

"I told you. You should have closed the curtains when you had the chance. And I would have to ask not to throw teacups at my head…it's very fragile." The deeper voiced head grumbled, bubbles drifting upward from the bottom of the tank as a hand rubbed the side of the glass centerpiece. "Stupid human! You should learn to listen more!" A shriller, more childish voice said smugly. Jake's eyes were…well they were practically singed to the point of blindness from the sheer ugliness, and overall horror of his patient. He looked like a goddamn Picaso painting thrown in manure and lit on fire by an angry mob of fanatical horse shit worshippers! He had to…his brown eyes trailed over to his curtains, mind you just like most of the things in his office these curtains were handmade silk worm woven maroon curtains. They cost about three thousand bucks a piece…BUT HIS LIVLIHOOD CAME FIRST! Aaroniero had his speculations on just what the hell the man was doing besides giving him the most screwed up of faces and just disgusted looks of well…disgust. But his interest and curiosity were soon sated as Jake practically dove out of his spinney chair and towards the curtains of his office. He ripped one complete off its golden engraved hanger and threw it over the espada's head without a seconds glance, question, or doubt.

"What're you doing?!" The ninth espada roared, both voices creating a somewhat melodious tone together. Jake let out a rather relieved, and quite deep, sigh. "I…just can't look at you is all."

"But you're the one who told me to-" Jake held up a hand, but considering the fact he had just thrown a tarp over his patient's face…er…faces the creature, alien, talking test tube baby thing couldn't very well see.

"I know, I know. Hahaha I hate myself for trying to still be normal with you people!" Jake inwardly cried at his own idiocy, really now…he should have known better _**a lot**_ better. He cleared his throat watching the freaky test tube monster with a distinct case of bipolar disorder and possibly a trained ventriloquist cross its arms over its chest and tap a sandal covered foot as he all the while jotted down "notes".

"Ahem. Very well we'll begin. Is there anything you'd like first to tell me Mr. Aarhgd…er Mr. Tubey?" There was the slam of an open palmed, clearly distraught, and angered, hand on his dilapidated table, it sunk to the floor even more.

"Why can't you call me by my real name!"

"That is not a name you possess good sir, but a severe conundrum of vowels and consonants that sound like they were meshed together by your mother –or father- while he or she was drunk off their ass." Jake mildly stated, eyes closed and index finger pointing up. Of course this was a complete lie, he was just a lazy bastard and too lazy to actually make his vocal cords say the freaky, freak's name…ah how he hated getting old. Aaroniero just sighed, sitting back on the comfy couch within the office.

"SPACE!" Jake thought that this thing couldn't possibly have any more problems but the fact that it might be one of those freaky UFO –OHMYGODIWASPROBEDEDBYANALIEN- fanatics was making him regret his decision of choosing this as his life long career.

"Space you say?" The espada took off the curtain Jake had so haphazardly thrown on its head and the psychologist flinched and looked away for a good few minutes before finally being able not to vomit inside his mouth while looking at Aaroniero. A white gloved finger jabbed at the tube, which contained a reddish liquid oddly similar looking to koolaid. Jake would press further as to what it was.

"SEE! Look at him! He takes up all my floating space! And doesn't even give me room to **_BREATHE_**!" The shriller of the two exclaimed its eyes pointing up. The top head grumbled and rolled its eyes in response. "Oh please not this again."

"Don't you 'Oh please' me you goddamn tank HOG!" Came the shrill retort. Jake sighed; his pad might be a good bashing tool…if used correctly. Or better yet!! He could smash this crazy bastard's tank thing and stab himself with the glass! YES! It'll be homicide and man slaughter but that's all right! Jake sat for about five minutes listening to two floating shrunken looking heads argue with each other.

"Why don't you just get a bigger tank? Maybe one of those fifty gallon tanks! And you can throw in some fish for when you get the late night munchies." Jake stated a wide smile spreading across his face as Aaroniero's heads glared fucking burning, acidic, daggers at him.

"Oh I'm sure you're enjoying yourself you little prick!" The deeper of the two heads snapped, bubbles boiling to the surface of the tank.

"Hey hey, don't get too excited you might evaporate all that koolaid in there. I'm surprised you both are this angry, I mean…I rather live in a pool filled with koolaid than have to breath this shitty ass polluted, lung deteriorating, noxious, filled with more airborne diseases and ailments then you can count, air." The two heads turned to one another. "What? Koolaid?" Jake gasped it was almost a crime to not know the glorious delicious taste of the tooth rotting product! But then again…these guys were _**foreigners**_. He ran back to his desk and grabbed a hand drill and a packet of koolaid this process…was going to be interesting. He basically jumped Aaroniero who was shouting rather vulgar words as Jake smashed a small hole in the top of his glass head, all the while pouring the powdery concoction of koolaid into Aaroniero's tube head. The espada finally grabbed Jake and chucked him into his opposite facing chair, both heads heaving with the exertion.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YO-" Both heads blinked as the powdery mixture was fully diffused within the tank, "Oh! Oooh…that is good. We must tell Aizen-sama to pick us up some!" Both heads replied, water still squirting out from the hole in the top of the tank. Jake merely looked away and scribbled down something to the effect of 'patient has an unhealthy koolaid fetish'. He cleared his throat.

"Anyway, like I was saying to solve your space predicament I suggest you go to Petco and get a bigger tank."

"Listen if you're just going to keep on making fun of the tank we're leaving."

"Oh by all means, please don't leave. Your ugly ass faces haven't scarred me enough!" Jake replied in sarcastic distress."We have a problem." Jake's eyebrow quirked a bit it was oddly amusing watching the espada pour the contents of the tea cup into that still dripping hole at the top of its head…god this would be prefect blackmail footage. He was a little oddly fascinated with the rather bland expression Aaroniero had as he preformed this task…as if this was a daily everyday thing, WHICH IT SHOULDN'T BE! But he had to look away because er yeah…the shape of that goddamn head was making him think really nasty thoughts, un-pg-13 thoughts!

"Uhm…what is it?" Jake asked with a rather bored no wait, it was **bored**, and half-assed in caring, acknowledging, and even remotely interested in what the espada's problem actually was, tone. He yawned as the espada began.

"People seemingly think they can use me for a coffee pot. One day…I woke up…ON FUCKING FIRE!! Cause that stupid kitty litter eating bitch Grimmjow wanted to make tea to throw on Ulquiorra so he goes and decides to use me! Its cold water you're supposed to throw on them NOT HOT, RETARD! And then there was that one time where they left me in that whore house…" Jake really wasn't paying attention-like usual- so instead he moseyed on over to his own personal fish tank, taking up the net which he used in fish retrieval for when he cleaned the tank.

"It was disgusting! I never want to be part of an orgy ever AGAIN! Especially when you're in a heaping pile of STDs, and WHORES!" The deeper voice snarled, the other head nodding. It took the espada a few minutes but there was a 'plop' sound and instead of staring back at the psychologist he was staring back at the stupid, ugly, face of a fish! He instantly growled, seeing Jake's wide ass grin spread bigger as the fish began to try to eat the shriller sounding of the two heads. Jake's face instantly went pale as the deeper voiced head presumably began to OM NOM NOM on the fish till it was nothing more than a few drifting piles of fleshy bones.

"You…you sonofabitch! You ATE my FISH!!" Jake yelled pointing an accusatory finger at Aaroniero who all the while spit back up a tail bone, a smug expression on his face.

"I told you not to try me, Mr. Halsenbach." Jake flipped him off as the espada laughed, more to himself then anything, he saw how Jake was eyeing that other tea cup.

"Screw you, you goddamn bipolar masochistic ventriloquist!" Jake snapped arms crossing over his chest as he pouted a little; he really had bonded with that fish. Aaroniero just rolled his eyes before his head was promptly covered –once again- with the curtain by an angered psychologist.

"Let me ask you something." Jake began, not receiving a reply from his assholish, fish MURDERING, patient. "You ate that fish right? So like…where does it go? I mean do you have like a filtration system in there or something? Top of the line I bet." Jake said raising his eyebrows. The ninth espada took the curtain off again, and Jake flinched, again.

"Are you asking where my excrement goes? Do you have like…coprophilia or something?"

"HOLY HELL NO YOU ASS MUNCHER!" Jake yelled that was just…that deserved another tea cup to the face, so he chucked one at the espada who dodged by a hair…er…glass fragment. Aaroniero sighed, shrugging. "Must you resort to such childish means, Mr Psychologist?" The espada asked, getting a snort from the man.

"So tell me, tubey how do you see yourself with the other members of your…er 'family'." Jake asked.

"Heh. Well…Szayel is a kiss ass flamboyant as hell cannibal who needs to shut the hell up before he gets my sandal up his tight ass, oh wait, it probably isn't tight at all! ...Promiscuous bastard. Grimmjow needs to be put down because he's a goddamn rabid cat. Uliquorra is all right…I suppose only when he isn't emoing and trying to cut himself, which by the way I have no connection in helping him with. But I! I am the oldest out the espadas! I get no respect from the youngins'!! It infuriates me!" Jake nodded as he drew doodles of Aaroniero being eaten by a shark.

"How sad. Too bad I don't really give a shit, gramps."

"Oh so now that's going to be my new nickname for you, isn't it?"

"No. You're still tubey…or Dilly…Dill yeah, I kinda like that better. Say…seeing as how you have koolaid in there can I get some; I threw the rest of my tea at your ugly ass face before. I just need to install this faucet and then-" Aaroniero gave Jake one of the nastiest, meanest looks he could muster and the man immediately hid the golden faucet piece underneath the couch again.

"You know though…you would make a pretty good walking water dispenser. I can see it now! New! Portable water dispenser! Don't worry about buying water bottles anymore it's all right here for you."

"Would you just shut the hell up about the tank!!! I told you not to make me take my mask off!" The espada began to sob, one hand going over each head as they both cried.

"Nobody loves Aaroniero!!!" He sobbed as Jake willfully tried to persuade himself to comfort the espada…it failed, rather miserably in fact.

"Aw. What's wrong? Don't you have any lady friends to comfort you and bake you cookies to make you feel better?" The espada just shook his head. Of course he didn't he was…FREAKY! No one would ever date him! Although there was Cirucci, but that just reminded him of the whore house experience and he mentally vomited in his helmet. Especially when they saw his ugly ass dual faces it would instantly ruin, if he ever even got that far with mindless flattery and ass kissing of his date, their dinner had they planned one. He shook his tube head the water in it spilling out a little onto the just refurbished rug. Jake inwardly cringed, that was another two hundred bucks off his pay check…goddamn FISHTANKS!

"Well…there is this one girl, Rukia. See she killed this poor bastard named Kaien, right? And she was all AHMAHGHADS KAIEN DONO IS THE BEST DESU! And she's like one hundred years younger than him! Talk about age difference! So anyway she ends up killing the dumb bastard because he wanted to avenge his dead wife by taking on a hollow he's totally over powered by, happens that he got fucking pwnt and ended up possessed by it. So she goes and kills him by stabbing him right through the stomach! Like a delicious shishkabob!!! So all the while she doesn't know that I'm using his face as a disguise for my own ugly as sin one…TO KILL HER!!!" Jake nodded taking notes and writing a living will for himself because he sure as hell wasn't going to live much longer after this…

"Uh huh, I see. Using the guilt because-you-killed-your-secret-one-true-love-strategy, eh?" The espada nodded vigorously as if this strategy was well known and extremely popular.

"YES! It's flawlessly perfect!"

"Indeed…now was this after you did LSD or before the meth induced coma? Because I don't think I've heard a more fucked up love story, other than that one time with the girl and the fish, in awhile…and trust me that fish story was whacked!" Jake replied laughing as the espada just titled his head towards the floor.

"I could use a burger right now…" the shriller of the two whispered. Jake was intrigued by the fact that this thing knew just what the hell a burger was, and the fact that it made reference to food before in its oddly, somewhat believable, love story."You aren't…bulimic, are you?" He asked his voice masked in a serious tone, even though secretly he really didn't give a shit! Aaroniero just titled his head to the side.

"No, no! I am the espada which eats its victims and therefore gains their abilities!!! FEAR MY TENTACLES!!!" He hissed his hand instantly changing into creepy slimy tentacles. Jake almost fell backwards. "Holy crap!!! I don't need images of tentacle pr0n in my mind, goddamn it!" He yelled slapping the espada's hand away and growling. But with a blink the espada's hand reverted back to normal.

"Heh. Foolish human my sword's name is Glotonería." The espada said, tapping the hilt of his sword. Jake looked at it dully then looked back at the espada, then the sword again.

"Uh huh…it that what you foreigners call it nowadays? And you even go as far as to name it?! DISGUSTING!" Of course Jake knew that he wasn't talking about "that" but yeah…the freaky shrunk, floating head's LOLI'MINAFISHTANK, expression was all too amusing to watch.

"Wh-wha-" Jake held up a hand shaking his head as if he understood perfectly well.

"No! Wait it's not like…"

"I'm sorry but you'll just have to stop talking now, I don't understand fish." Jake replied as he bent over, pretending to be working meticulously on Aaroniero's chart. All the while the espada said about fifty curse words, all strung together nicely in interesting pairings too.

"Anyway. I think this session can be deemed as futile, pointless, and over and you're still a creepy ass, bipolar, ruffle representative, freak! So my work here is done!" Jake exclaimed one finger pointing up, it just happened to be his middle.

"B-But we're two different entities!!! How are we bipolar!"

"That's what they all say…multiple personality disorder is not a joke, Mr. Aaroniero…I mean tubey."

"…you knew how to say my name the entire time, didn't you?"

"Why yes, yes I did."

"You're a goddamn asshole." Jake smirked as he watched the ninth espada turn on a heel and storm off towards the door. The espada heard a slap like sound, like a wet noodle hitting into a wall, he knew that it was another fish…probably given to him to keep him company. Jake heard the distinct curses as the espada slammed the door shut and Jake was left looking at two broken tea cups on the floor. Well…hopefully all the other crazy bastards hade tea-phobias too…it'd make his life a lot, lot, easier.

**Fin**

((A/N: Terribly sorry about the wait on this one, folks. I blame vacation -cough- totally not lazy -coughcough- Though I think you can all live with the wait and all. I also apologize for the horriblness of this chapter (at least I find it to be somewhat not as funny as the others) I had a severe case of writer's block at the end of this chapter so if it seems not as funny…blame that nuisance called Writer's Block! Oh yes Happy Birthday reference -if anyone doesn't know/wanted to know- is from that one Loony Toons episode with the bulldog and the cat, LOLIGAVECREDIT! In conclusion hope you enjoy it all the same! Oh yes don't forget to read and review! They are muchly appreciated and loved! Next chapter might take awhile to get up...I fear my semester this time around is going to be more hectic. ))


	6. Day One: Concluded

_"Jake, son, let me tell you. Yer gonna meet some weird folk in your profession sometimes they'll be easy to handle and other times…well just remember they ain't right in the head."_ - Quote Philip J. Halsenbach

He was a pale man about average height he would guess. He had the blackest almost raven colored haired the spectacle psychologist had ever seen. He was, in fact, one of Jake's "trusted" friends. Yes, quotations were used for when you leave your drunken friend outside a bar that's known to be gay and you, as the friend, know how neurotic and homophobic your other friend is do not even help but walk away…trusted is indefinitely or perhaps permanently put into quotation marks. Why was the psychologist suddenly wondering about this friend of his? Well…it just so happens that this friend, who's name shall not be disclosed at this point in time, was actually trying to warn him…of things like this.

"You know, Jake. This line of work you want to get into…you do realize what it's going to be used for, right?" The brown haired, glasses sporting, man only gave a curt nod, "well yeah. I'm going to be helping people…_obviously_." He heard a "tch" like reply come from the other man. He knew what his friend was getting at, yes, he knew all too well. "You do know what _they'll_ make you do, right?" There was another affirmative nod from the chocolate brown haired man. The clinking of plates, forks and other culinary items filled the blank empty void now stretching out between the two. The black haired man sitting across from him took a sip from the steaming cup of coffee the small stream of air in stark contrast with his black, abysmal, hair. A clearing of the throat and Jake looked up from the menu.

"I know, I know. Lazy asses they are. It's not like they couldn't get someone else to." Jake snapped; waving over a girl in what looked like a two dollar French whore's maid outfit. Great service you got at these diners, eh?

"More coffee, sir?" They both nodded and she giggled walking off to the back of the grimy greasy diner kitchen. He didn't understand why he liked this place so damn much…it was so, nasty. The crunchy peppers you thought to be in your salad…yeah they probably weren't peppers at all. HELL! They were probably sliced up, red food dyed, cockroaches or something. Hey at least the coffee was good right? Even if it ended up being diesel fluid from a back alley crap hole car that drug dealers, who owned the restaurant no less, used. It did hit the spot on these rainy days though and that's all that matter, right?

"Ah well. So when are they scheduled to come?" Jake waved a hand nonchalantly as if he rather not think about nor did he give two shits about it.

"Who knows…all I know is afterward you need to get me piss drunk, I think I'll either die of alcohol poisoning or possibly get mugged either one is good to me." Jake spat as two freshly brewed cups of coffee were placed in front of them both.

"Yeah. I'll be sure to do that." His friend replied chuckling at the poor, unfortunate, soul before him.

**Day One: The Disparaging Conclusion  
**

The psychiatrist blinked. Why the hell was he having a conveniently placed flashback besides the ultimate purpose of the authoress trying to take up writing space with it and actually make an odd plot point to draw in more readers? Ah well, he didn't know. His eyes wandered…they were doing that a lot today especially with the cracked out people with blue hair, pink hair, and goddamn fish tanks on their heads…no wait AS their heads. He let out a long, arduous, "kill me now", sigh rubbing his temples as he heard some commotion outside his office. He looked at the small crystal paper weight pyramid lying lazily and prettily upon a stack of papers.

Gee that sure did look like a good bludgeoning tool right about now…

His eyes had an odd way of finding themselves towards things that would ultimately save his sanity and life, given the proper situation such as now, and he found them turn towards the clock upon the wall.

"Oh thank you God…I think I might go receive confirmation now because of this…" he was probably going to get a healthy dose of smite on the way home from work today. Oh wait…this was his fucking punishment! This whole day felt like the seventh layer of purgatory and by no means was he not going to commit acts of self mutilation on himself when he got back to his tiny, compact, shitty little apartment. Why in the world did he take this job…WHY WHY WHY.

The door snapped open and the man, who he swore had a fight with a botox injected needle, poked his head into the room. The smiling fox faced man looked at Jake who was holding his elegant paper weight against his head looking, or hoping, that the forced pressure he enacted upon it would cause his head to explode or something. Jake wondered…really how in the hell did this man see anything at all? It was like his eyelids were glued shut. Self discovery time! My god he should have became a surgeon!

"Ah! Am I interruptin' somethin'? Jake waved his free hand casually.

"No, no, nothing at all just me trying to end my life via a Christmas present from a niece I horribly detest and rue the day she was brought into this world by her gold digging whore of a mother." He said with a clearly forced smile.

"Oh! Good then! We needa talk." Lovely how caring these people were. Jake cleared his throat.

"About? I do believe this session for today is up…"

"Ahwha? Is up?" Gin titled his head to the side one arm pointing in the direction of the door…wait when the hell did this freaky bastard get into his office?!

"No." Gin frowned a little, "but there's still…"

"NO! NO NO NO! Get the hell out of my office!"

There was a resounding crash that drifted from the office of Jake to the waiting room with Aizen and his Arrancars. It was to say a bit surprising for the most of them although Aizen continued to sip his tea nonchalantly.

"Aizen sama…why did you choose Gin to go and negotiate with the ryoka?" Ulqiuorra asked knowing the answer readily beforehand. He merely got a shrug and smile from the enigmatic man whom he called leader.

"PSSSH! Obviously if he did go to negotiate the poor bastard would be dead! Ulquihora!" Grimmjow said laughter escaping his mouth as his blue eyes looked over at the narrowed ones of Aizen. The emorific Espada merely snorted brushing away the nickname with a lone deadpan green eyed stare.

"Perhaps Aizen sama would like to know that Grimmjow cracked one of his many Ming Dynasty tea sets." Ulquiorra stated in a matter of fact tone before leaving a stuttering, wide eyed Grimmjow in his wake looking back and forth frantically at Aizen who was sitting calmly, legs crossed, sipping his tea. The blue haired Espada promptly fell to the floor flailing, and gasping for air like a giant dying fish out of water as he was presumably crushed by his leader's reiatsu.

The door to Jake's office busted open a sliver haired shinigami ran out of the room ducking as a paper weight went flying past his head. Unfortunately the projection and linear path Jake had given it, he did fail gym three years in a row you know, caused it to bee-line directly and into Nnoitra's spoony thing. The one eyed Espada hissed glaring at Szayel, who was in the process of filing his nails, and gave him a look of complete and total perplexity.

"Don't grimace at me you _eating utensil_ it's disgusting and highly derogatory to gaze upon me with such distasteful and lowly expressions. I might catch your utter repulsiveness. Gods know you have it like the pla-" The pink haired scientist never finished his sentence since Nnoitra's fist collided with his mouth. Aizen stood up then leaving his Espada to do what they pleased as he heard their bantering die down as he forced himself to forget they existed. Could he hypnotize himself into thinking that? He'd have to try it one day…or hypnotize all them into thinking they were rocks so they'd shut the fuck up for once!

"Ah I believe I have question Mr. Halsenbach." The brown haired man said smiling at him with a warm, FAKE, smile. Jake gritted his teeth. This goddamn bastard was such a faker, seriously, what the hell was up with that semi-quasi smile of his?! Did he think he was just going to pull down his pants and let him rape him up the ass!? Okay…not the best word choice nor the best example BUT IT GOT THE POINT ACROSS! At least…he thought it did. He pouted and furrowed his brow tapping his chin as he contemplated the best example to use for this situation "When encountering a CONNIVING BASTARD 101."

"Hmmm No, nope, not that example either…" Aizen raised an eyebrow at the man as he was silent. He watched as Jake rambled to himself about something insignificant and probably stupid.

"I believe we are in need of a…" he took out a piece of paper from his hakama with its scribbled messed up writing and a heart and a very bad stick figure picture of Gin smiling on it. He turned to look at the former captain who gave him a thumbs up and smiled. Aizen smirked before turning back to the most-likely-to-be-schizophrenic man.

"A hoe…tell." Aizen said; the word rolling off his tongue with not so much as a normal pronunciation whatsoever. Jade blinked mouth opening and closing like he were a fish out of water.

"Did you say _hotel_?" The psychiatrist asked with a confounded and somewhat bamboozled look upon his face. The other man with excessively gelled hair, though there were no signs of gel being applied or used at all within it, smirked again.

"Yes Mr. _Halsenbach_ I believe I did say hotel. Or is your hearing just as bad as your professional "diagnosis"?" Jake's eye twitched, not visibly though, and he glared at the other man. _Sonofabitch I'll give you a diagnosis. DIAGNOSIS OF MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!_ Jake chuckled as he straightened his non-crooked glasses, coughing a little as he did so.

"Well since you asked so nicely _Mr. ASSHOLE_ then there's a hotel down the block on the corner." Aizen smiled.

"Oh that was very clever. You're lucky I'm laying low for now otherwise I would've killed you. But you can be sure that once I become god your ass is mine." Aizen replied with a bright smile turning and walking away without as much as another word to the brown haired man.

"God…you people really are fucked up." Jake muttered clearly not trying to keep his statement to himself. Aizen turned his head around to look at him, those piercing eyes striking into his very soul. He merely yawned though glaring back at the other man who smiled as he continued onward out into the waiting room.

"Goddamn foreigners…" Jake snapped before following. He really wished he hadn't walked out of his office. My god he wished he would have just STAYED IN HIS ROOM AND KILLED HIMSELF! He let out a long, onerous, sigh both hands pulling his tight skin beneath his somewhat bloodshot eyes down and he felt the skin snap back upwards as a yell from the blue haired jackass, Grimmjow reverberated throughout the entirety of his room.

"Yo! Aizen-sama we leavin' this crap hole yet? I think it's that time of the month for Szayel and he might start fornicatin all over this goddamn shitty office." Szayel looked up from his face planted position on the floor blood seeping through his hands due to the fact that he just got a knuckle sandwich from Nnoitra not long before.

"I dare you to say that again you kitty litter eating fuc…"

"GET OUT! All of you! I'm done! D.O.N.E. You foreigners know what that means, right?! Gennemstegt! Valmis!! Búinn!! Hecho!! Oshimai!!" Jake said panting a little afterwards. His secretary, whose hair and blouse and overall appearance was in general shambles got up from her position behind the receptionist counter. Jake's eyes turned to her one of them, usually the right, twitched instantly as he turned back to the smug bastard named Aizen.

"What did I say about making out with the crazies?!" Jake snapped at her like a parental control block slaps a horny teenager on a Friday night when he's throwing a house party with his limited amount of friends and all they can do is watch playboy channels because clearly they cannot get any, whatsoever.

"Oh! M-Mr. J-Jake I-I didn't mean too…"

"Like hell you didn't…" he mumbled back his eyes snapping to Szayel who was currently holding his bleeding face with a pink handkerchief. Jake sighed holding his head in his hands as he did so. It hurt…the sheer amount of stupid radiating off these people.

"Yo fornicator git yer ass up we're headin out!" Grimmjow yelled into Szayel's ear the other's eye visibly twitching as his ear drums were presumably shattered like a drunken man's hopes and dreams of amounting to anything. Sorry to say Szayel was neither drunk nor having dreaming, perhaps one or two of dissecting the hell out of Grimmjow. He'd make a lovely stuffed cat…

"Ah of course, of course. Perhaps when Aizen-sama tells us to. You hardly have the authoritative right to be giving such a bold and pompous statement, sex-ta." The pink haired espada whispered. Had it been anyone else Grimmjow would have found it odd that there was a long few second pause between sex and ta but this was a dude whose release was to have sex or some shit. Talk about sexual deprivation, then again that's what happened when you locked yourself in the basement of an all white asyl-base where the moon is always out and the goddamn landscape was a fucking desert. Could at least have put in a casino or something. It'd be like Vegas. Run by assholes who wanted your soul, played by assholes that had no souls, perfect fit. And everything was sure to stay there cause either your ass was dead or your ass was about to be consumed by a hollow who had lost slots for the twenty-fifth time in a row.

"I-I think Aizen sama impregnated me just by touching me!!!" Jake's jaw opened slightly as he looked back at his young secretary. That was a very odd silence breaker and even Stark opened his eyes to look back at the disheveled young woman. Jake's eyes went to the gelled haired man who was smirking. Maybe…MAYBE HE WAS A GOD?! Grimmjow slid over to the young human girl snorting in amusement.

"Nah. Szayel would've done that if he touched you. And you dun wanna have his babies they'd all be born as pink haired FAGGOTS!"

"I HEARD THAT YOU MEOW MIX EATER!" A potted plant flew across the room and Grimmjow confidently ducked out of the way only to have Nnoitra, who was looking at a cooking magazine and finally realizing his outfit did indeed look like a spoon thus throwing him into a depressive maniacal self destructive path comparable to Ulqiorra's supposed emocarific personification, get hit directly in the face with a pot full of miracle grow. A very loud growl erupted from Nnoitra's throat. Szayel's eyes practically grew to the size of dinner plates as he backed up into a wall.

"Oh...fuck." Were the un-fabulous and crude words which escaped the pink haired Espada's mouth Szayel presumably bolted from the room, or building all together Nnoitra very close behind a rather odd looking instrument in his hands as he gave chase to the fornicating, prissy, overly confident Eighth Espada.

"I never knew Szayel to be so infatuated with human culture. I believe this hotel business will be quite intriguing." Aizen stated flatly, Gin rubbing the back of his head with a what-the-fuck-did-you-not-just-see-what-happened face? He just nodded though going over to the remaining Espada.

"It is gonna be interestin' Aizen-san." Gin said with his genuinely creepy smile. Jake let out another sigh.

"Breathing is such a foul method of being perceived by those around you. Force and pseudo god like powers are usually faster and far more efficient."

"Don't forget tha ego, Aizen-san." Gin whispered nodding to his higher in command.

"But of course. What would one be without that? After all Napoleon, Hitler, and Gius all had that astounding trait."

"Yeah right, whatever, can you please just get the fuck out? I…really need to go commit acts of self mutil-I mean acts of self betterment and all. Your wonderful family has led me to believe in population control much more readily than I already had." Jake said smiling motioning off towards the door.

"We will meet again at the same appointed time as today." Aizen stated. It was not a question, nor would it ever be, for he was sure that nothing would hamper the overall progress they were making in this human world endeavor.

"Yeah sure right." Jake slammed the door and possibly crushed Wonderweiss's fingers in the wake of his poorly subdued rage but he hadn't the slightest inclination to giving a damn or well caring for that matter. He was competent in his profession. Poorly executing, but somewhat competent…oh who the hell was he trying to kid he was the worst goddamn psychiatrist out there probably. Yet people kept coming back…hmm funny what drugs-I mean a good ear and big heart could do for your business. He turned to his secretary who was now trying to tidy up herself and the ransacked office of her employer.

"Nancy…please don't tell me you were serious." The woman just blushed immensely, turning away so as to hide her embarrassment. A soft giggle escaping her lips as she made her way off to conveniently placed bathroom in the waiting room lobby. There was another large, long, sigh in the proliferating silence. Coming from none other than Jake because really who else were you expecting, duh?

Shit. He hated giving fucking vacation time. And yeah Maternity leave was considered that because woman had the equipment to get banged up, carry around a massive ball of forming cells in her uterus, which in turn would change into a hell demon spawn baby that crapped in its diaper at the most inopportune times and never shut the hell up even when you gave it alcohol especially when just reaching that pinnacle of REM sleep, and then claim that she needed time to recover. DON'T GET LAID THEN, DAMN IT.

The slam of the door denoted the man's departure and he was currently making a straight path towards the nearest liquor store thanking and cursing the horrible gods for ending prohibition but for also making him take up this shitty job. No he wasn't into the whole free will bull, not right now, because he could have been living in his mother's basement and playing Grand Theft Auto and pinning the blame entirely on himself was just not how he did things so instead he blamed non-corporal beings.

Jake was a pessimist, but you all probably knew that already given the copious amounts of text coming before the rather bland and obvious stated fact. So it was in his nature to look at things half empty, not half full, and his two liter bottle of Pinot Merlot was very much half empty and it had taken him no more than half an hour to render it so. Alcohol poisoning would have settled in by now but seeing as how there are many things which are unknown about our semi-main character we'll leave his tolerance up for discussion for another day. He was sitting in his luxurious studio apartment a few miles away from his office and the hotel, which housed his "patients"; he had debated on whether to call the police to have the fucking whack jobs arrested for accosting him in his office today but the beer and wine tingeing his breath would probably end him up in the butt munching hell hole known as state penitentiary so, instead he was in his apartment...watching the news.

It was a funny thing about the news. They always told you something you didn't want to hear. Like how a burning building fell on top of a school bus filled with kindergartners or the local pet store caught on fire and half the animal population inside it just became Korean take out. It was always with these stories that Jake couldn't help but laugh. But one particular just put the icing on the proverbial shittiest-day-ever cake.

Breaking News: This Just In!

"Oh goddamn it." His hand made a "slap" sound as he hit himself in the face all too hard, pulling down on the skin as he slumped even further into his chair.

"Now, sir, you say your name is Aizen…Sosuske? Am I pronouncing it right?"

"You are. It my upmost and sincere displeasure to have to be a part of such raucous behavior I assure my espa-family members will be disciplined quite harshly for what they have done. We were hardly settled in as it was."

"Ah haha yes well some would say your behavior is terrorist level, blowing a hole into a hotel and all." The news reporter leaned over to the camera man, "why is he apologizing anyway?" A shake of the on screen camera gave the corresponding verdict from the man behind the technological curtain.

"Ah the police are here! They are now going to take away this man and his family of terrorist circus…I, Jeane, I don't know what to call them. Are they wearing bones on their face?"

"Perhaps it's an overly eager group of museum tourist. I have no idea. Do you have any other words, sir?" The microphone was placed quite closely to Aizen's face those eyes pierced through Jake's soul as if the man on screen knew he was eating five dollar greasy, probably cat but labeled as chicken, chicken and broccoli from the local Chinese restaurant. He swallowed knowing what the other was going to say. "Don't you fucking dare…DO NOT-!!!"

"I believe our assistant Jake Halsenbach can readily explain all this." That damn smirk on Aizen's face. This guy...he was a grade A BASTARD!

"MOTHER FUC-" The sound of police sirens blaring outside his apartment made him almost choke on his broccoli. He scrambled to his feet and his posture suddenly went to a slump and that slump went into him sitting his ass back down on his soft leather couch. He downed the last of the wine, grabbing hold of the paper weight. Odd when had he brought it home? Jake sometimes had the feeling that his subconscious did things without his knowing, putting cyanide into the neighbor's cat food being one of those things, this was another. He appreciated this, the cat not so much it was a very big apartment wide debacle and he ended up having to counsel the asshole who owned the cat for the three consecutive months after Mr. Fluffy kicked the can. This he could deal with. It was a wonderful device…it could be used in many ways to end his life…

"Just this once God just this once let me see you. Or, you know, I can even go visit the traitor I don't care! I'm not picky, really, I just." Three loud bangs on the door stopped his futile arrangement with the heavenly representatives.

"…you're an asshole." He glared at the ceiling, a piece of plaster hitting him in the face as his front door was kicked open. He never did get breaks; he concluded in that five second moment as he wiped the white artificial paint from his eyes.

"JAKE HALSENBACH! You are under the suspicion of aiding in a terrorist group! You have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law!" He looked very scared and very worried at the moment something he was never accustomed to doing. Who's to say that they wouldn't just shoot him on the spot or something? He raised his hands into the air the police officer's guns pointing right at his pale white face. The only sound to be heard was the dull thump as the paper weight slipped from his sweaty palm.

Worst day ever? Check.

(( Wow am I totally late on getting this up, understatement much? Uhh yeah. Kinda died for awhile there. Hopefully this'll make up for it? Kinda boring chapter but the next one will be getting back to the whole psychiatric business. I blame school entirely for my long term absence. Anywho. Enjoy! Don't forget to R/R or...not but it'd be lovely if you did~ ))


	7. Day Two: Start

So here they were the beginning of the end or something melodramatically akin like that. Jake figured this was some sort of retribution, karma, or something and this was coming from a man who was an atheist. It's not that he was never an asshole by god you'd probably find his name next to word in the dictionary but really did he deserve this? Probably. But like hell if he was actually going to admit to that, shit, who would? It was like not pleading the fifth when you knew you paid off half the jury and happened to have banged the judge's wife so that she could sway her husband into giving you the sweet release of freedom. It all came down to one simple resolution and oh how simple it was. He was not going to be an ass buddy in prison.

No. NO. NOOO. Never. It will not happen mainly because he was straight, also because he had personal space issues on top of every other issue he was conceived to have because his writer is a grade 'A' bitch. But yes if he went to prison for this he was going to slap some bitches, or not, since these people were absolutely INSANE. The precinct they were currently holding Jake in was something of a zoo without the myriad of animals or quite so overpowering stench but it was still there only more irony and ammonia tinged. He stood out like a sore thumb, not like he never did anywhere ever, but this was more apparent and his uneasiness certainly more visible. He wanted to open up his mouth and call over the nearest guard but it snapped shut in a familiar reflex of fear as a certain soon-to-be inmate made a mad dash for the door. Shouts of "freeze," and, "on the ground! Hands on your head," echoed through the already buzzing precinct. Jake just sat back in his seat leg bounding up and down in anxious nervousness, like a rabbit about to become a big brown fox's dinner, and he gulped down what little fluid his all but dry mouth had within it.

"Oh god." The subtle thuds, or not so much since Jake could see it VERY CLEARLY, of a nightstick beating the man trying to escape would probably haunt him for a good while or until he got piss drunk, either way it was all very disturbing and he knew disturbing very well in fact. He took note of the white swishing cape, gown, foreigner clothing that glimmered past his brown eyes and he bolted out of his chair, grabbing onto the shoulder of none other than Aizen Souske.

"What the hell are you doing?! Why…how…never mind!" Aizen smirked, and Jake frowned wanting to punch the man in the face but his subconscious and a nagging little personal problem told him not to or god save his soul if he did.

"Ah. Jake. You finally made it. I suppose now you are going to try and make yourself useful, correct?" Aizen turned away a smile on his face as Jake hissed, hands balled into fists as he made a running list of profanities in his mind. He steadied himself however reminding himself that any act of violence in a police precinct would just further get him into more shit he didn't even deserve to be in at all. He sure as hell didn't want to be in this place and neither did this man, or so Jake assumed, he just simply hung his head and shrugged his shoulders, "yeah sure whatever." Aizen did his characteristic 'I got you where I want you' smirk, and oh how Jake loathed it. But enough with his envy and burning fiery hatred; he needed a way to get out of this shit without getting an assists terrorists deduction on his record, he wondered if that would lessen the social security he'd get when he retired. Actually he might retire after this he didn't know.

"Just let me do all the talking, okay? I don't need any more bullshit than you and your merry band of freaks have already gotten me into."

"As I was thinking you would suggest. Very well Mr. Halsenbach. Do what you must."

"And you just keep your asshole family or whatever the fuck in line, got it?" Jake was pissed more pissed than a piss drunk German after Oktober Fest. Aizen merely smirked not offering a consolidating reply in return. They both turned backs towards one another each being dragged off into separate cells at that moment. Jake had this idea, see, mentally unstable people usually got off scotts free you know? And judging by their appearance he'd be damn confused if the judge wouldn't let them off this once for it. Sure there were repairs to be paid for but how were reta-mentally challenged people suppose to do that, huh?

Unfortunately for Jake his court order was postponed until tomorrow due to an unnerving circumstance of said judge living next door to the same hotel which now has a ten foot diameter circle blown out of its lavishly decorated wall and the debris from said act might just have landed on his vintage Bentley. Karma was a bitch that you had a one night stand with and realized that she was just a fucking psycho so you had to restraining orders and warrants put out for her arrest. Oh yeah, Jake had one of those once, main reason why he hasn't dated in at least a year and a half and Jake would never have anything to do with her ever again. It was safe to say that he was huddled, or curled up into a fetal position being the more appropriate imagery used, in his own little square of a cell with a couple of other more rugged personages. They had the looks about them like they were used to this lifestyle swanky piss smelling cells and eyeing each with just enough anger in their eyes to have a reason to believe they wanted to start something with each other. Jake just thought they were all a bunch a fucking morons with bad upbringings and frontal lobe damage, because most serial killers had frontal lobe damage it did something to ones inhibitions or so he read. He was kind of keen on trying it on Nnotira or whatever-the-fuckzyel; Jake referred to him as pinky because his hair was pink and Jake suspected him of a having poor self image and possibly being a transvestite, but he wasn't going to go into that.

"Well lookie what we have here an upstanding citizen in the precinct, how nice of you to join us, _sir_." His shoulders hunched together as a ragged, raspy, smoker's lung infused voice most likely directed those words at him. He wouldn't turn from his position his face towards the grimy, pestilential wall. He merely grumbled something obscene under his breath hoping to god, if there was one, that they'd leave him alone. But no, once again his luck basically bought a one way ticket to fuckyouville and decided to ditch him on the side of the road dubiously dubbed as 'going to get an ass beating very shortly'.

"I'm not in a very talkative mood if you pee-brained, bug eyed, dipstick idiotic, outstanding citizens notable for being nothing but dregs of society and contributing nothing but poorly televised entertainment on cop shows, assholes haven't noticed. Sorry but if you want to leave a message please do so after the beep," the consequent beeping noise that escaped Jake's lips was accompanied by a middle finger. He yelped though and as he was shoved, back now up against the wall, his arm in a painful not commonly used position behind his back. Could arms even bend like that? He thought he heard a crack but it might've been his imagination.

"The hell did you say you little prick? What's a chicken shit like you doing in prison anyway?" Jake gulped as he stared off at something behind the man questioning him like he was inmate on death row. It was a flaw, as most humans had for whoever had designed them that way deliberately made them have flaws the assholes, and a major flaw it was. He just couldn't shut his stupid ass mouth sometimes and it ultimately got him into a load of trouble most, if not all, of the time. He was staring into the eyes of a cold blooded killer his glasses partially askew on his face his body shaking a little now.

"Ahaha, I-I was just kidding you know? I mean I'd never offend such ah-uh…burly and built man such as yourself." He managed to give a half hearted smile but it quickly turned into a frown as he saw the man in front of him pull back the arm that was not currently clutching his dress shirt and matching tie. He was going to feel this in the morning and yet all he could think about was how this was fucking Aizen Souske's fault, the shit head! If it was anyone's fault it was his, him and his stupid, alien, fanatical, crazy messed up LSD using family! Jake should have never agreed to this, he should've never have agreed to anything that men in long white coats told him but he did, if only to secure himself a safe passage into the spirit world or some shit. He closed his eyes a slight whimper escaping his lips as he bit his bottom lip. Any moment now his cheek bone would be shattered into a million pieces…like one of those giant jigsaw puzzles, which funny enough you should never allow a mentally unstable person play with it was an odd experience…one he would not regret forgetting should he be beaten into a coma in a few minutes.

"OI! You done being a pansy yet?" That punch never came like a delayed train you were waiting in hopes to come but it never did and you were left stranded, like a vagabond at the platform. Jake blinked cracking open an eye to see none other than Grimmjow, the biggest asshole of them all, holding the man's balled fist in his own oddly humanized skin. This could potentially be bad, which it usually was, but in a sickened sort of way it was actually good. Not for the man who was about to get the daylights beaten out of him, but for Jake it was very good. Funny that he considered himself a doctor because helping people was what he did for a living homicidal or not and yet he seemed to get great satisfaction at seeing the horrid look upon that man's face.

"What are you doing?" Jake asked in a dulled almost lifeless questioning tone like this quasi attempt at good will was another façade that would be replaced by ten times more jackassery and sheer hatred. Grimmjow snorted smiling that wide toothy smile that vaguely reminded Jake of the Cheshire cat only this was one doped up on a copious amounts of steroids and had a slight case of genocidal ADD. BUT! But, Jake could live with that right about now, hell if a fucking cow landed out of the sky and on top of the dude he'd live with that too! It was all about self-preservation when humans reached their critical mass, their breaking point, their mental capacity. Fight or Flight was evolutionary just to make people look like raving idiots flailing their arms around when a bear or a pack of wolves were chasing them down. Now you needed it for women with mace and guys who were clinging to the brink of their pathetic existence and just happened to be very formidable with that bicycle chain or baseball bat. Jake thought of something that moment.

"Oh…_Ooooh_. Hey um, Grimmjow, yeaaah er you're not going to kill him are you? See cause I don't think you'll make this whole prison terrorist thing any easier if you do, you know?" Grimmjow turned to him his eyes filled with the ferocity of a feral jungle cat.

"Meow?"

"THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Jake jumped a little, it was really too easy to get under these fuck ups nerves now that he had picked them a part. He was their savior and yet…no he's basically a bad case of fucking _gonorrhea_ it hurt like a bitch and you were stuck with it for awhile_._

"Oh. Sorry I didn't know if you'd reverted back to your main instincts of jungle catdom, roar. Would you like so meow-mix? I think I hav-" Grimmjow threw the other man off to side; actually he almost went through the bars of the multi-person cell. No one else dared to approach most were actually stunned at Jake's blatant disregard for his life. It's not like you lived for ever anyway, right? So why the hell not?  
"Shut the fuck up. I just saved your ass and this is what you say? Tch."

"Oh. No, I'm really appreciative honestly. You saved my face back there and these inexpensive thirty-five dollar Walmart glasses, thanks."

"I dunno why Aizen is letting your pansy ass even _live_. I could fuckin' snap you with my pinky. C'mon, pansy I'm supposed to drag your ass into our cell or something."

"Oh…I take back what I said. You're an asshole." Jake almost yelped as he was grabbed, choked was a better aligned term, by his collar and wretched to his feet. He gulped nodding at the bent bars adjacent to the cell with people, things, illegal immigrants with rainbow colored hair.

"Jesus you could fucking pick paint for a house with all crazy ass shades you bastards are packing. You'd do wonders for skittle's commercials." Jake grumbled as he was tossed on the ground with a loud 'oomph' in accompaniment. Aizen Sosuske was sitting rather regal, or however regal one could be in a dump like this he seemed to pull it off magnificently because he was a bastard like that, in the center against the wall of the cell. The other espada simply sat around him silently like they were doing some intervention or god only knows what was going through their psychotic heads.

"Brought you the pansy, _sir_," Grimmjow stated with nothing but venom and anger mild agitation in his voice. Perhaps he could use a subscription of Zoloft or maybe just a kick in the ass.

"Gee thanks. But I'd much rather be with people that don't look like they just fell out of a clown car transporting LSD," Jake stated with an almost monotonous tone of voice.

"Tell me the course of action if you would." It wasn't a question more like a statement of if you don't tell you die. Aizen had a very odd aura about him, not that Jake really believed in that occult stuff being a man of science and all; he thought those people were on LSD too and could use a slap in the face by reality. But he felt _sick_ in the general vicinity of this man maybe he was a bioterrorist or something? Avian bird flu perhaps, or maybe even SARs. He gulped still sitting on the floor without any grace like he had in the office, his features a complete mess and sloppy; a five o clock shadow had reared its ugly head on his chin and he looked gruff and ill. The usual tan melanoma of his skin was dissipating like ethanol into the air leaving Jake with a ghastly feel to his outer appearance; his eyes had deep black circles beneath them a byproduct of only two hours of sleep in this hell hole. He felt like he was losing this battle, but he wouldn't give up, he still had a bunch of these assholes to go through and figure out their many harboring, festering psychosis's.

"Ah w-well uh, I don't have one of those yet. I'll make something up on the fly; you don't have to worry about it." He was going to put in for added flavor that he was magnificent at making shit up but for some reason a psychologist stating that seemed ever so…self incriminating at the moment. Aizen merely stood up and walked over each and every one of his espada watching like it was a miracle or something. Apparently this bastard never gave two shits about human beings in general or something, which Jake could of figured out in a second. He bent down, eyes level with Jake's own, "wonderful. Hopefully you'll take care to not mess it up, Mr. Halsenbach." He felt a chill run through his body but he showed not the slightest bit of concern; his mind however was a train wreck which wasn't too bad since when was it _not_ a train wreck beside when he was asleep? Then again that reenactment dream, or nightmare, of JFK's air train test train derailment accident near Federal Circle wherein he was the conductor put the whole term into perspective.  
"Of…course. It'll be fine, I think." He mumbled the last part looking away from Aizen's gaze. He felt this tension whenever this man looked at him, it was disconcerting and a bit perplexing as well.  
"What if it gets messed up say in a series of convoluted, beyond my control, type of mishaps?"

"You really don't want to ask that question Jake Halsenbach, its best if you don't let your imagination wander, either." That went well Jake just sighed eyes narrowing and his face contorting into a pout. Okay well, at least he'd die trying to help someone? Maybe that'd absolve all his fuck ups and sins…hopefully?

"Yeah, sure, whatever you say Mr. Enigmatico. You sure know how to be suspenseful don't you? Where the hell are the cue cards at anyway? You sound like you're coming from a really bad Shounen manga or something." Jake's smile was from ear to ear but Aizen hardly looked like he cared as he stood up, Jake's gaze following like a school boy watching a teacher.

"Please Mr. Halsenbach you'll anger the fans if you say something so derogatory. I do try my best to cater to their wanton fantasies and needs after all." Jake looked at him with a raised brow, was he actually being serious? No this was Aizen we were talking about the man had no sense of the word actually he did, and frighteningly so, but it was so thickly coated in bullshit and lies Jake couldn't make ups or downs of the response so he was left speechless and without a wity retort for once. The smirk on Aizen's face told him that he had played this card one too many a time and the results still had never gotten old to him there was an underlying purpose though, something which Jake couldn't quite figure out yet and this Souske character was one of Jake's, dare he admit to this, but he was one of Jake's most interesting patients yet. Yeah this man had a psychological problem and Jake would diagnose it...eventually hopefully he would live afterwards too because this man didn't seem like the type to deal well when people knew something about him something that was hidden nonetheless. He soon drifted off into a rather restless sleep however once the other had resumed his seat at his corner of the oddly large holding cell. Tomorrow was going to be a long, long day.

**Day Two: Start**

"Your honor not to be offensive or well, incriminating, but my subjects, err, patients are a bit clinically insane if you will. I mean look at the kid for godsakes!" Jake's arm swept over to Wonderweiss would doing his usual retarded 'uhnn and oooh and kahgk' fuck Jake didn't know what the hell was wrong with the kid; he might need a new brain or something. Maybe if he smashed him with the paper weight…his mind snapped out of that wonderfully fulfilling daydream and back into reality.

"If they are insane as you claim them to be why have they not been institutionalized, Mr. Halsenbach?" The old judge asked him from his self righteous pulpit. Jake had diagnosed the man with a tic, a common form of OCD, the wrinkly old fingers tapping after each sentence and the left side of his mouth twitched as well. Shit he hadn't really thought about _that_ maybe it was because they could blow holes through _walls_. He rubbed the back of his head gulping as his brown eyes turned towards Aizen and his band of misfits proclaiming to be "family". The words spoken to him last night with clear, calm, calculated dictation echoed in the back of his mind.

"I don't think it would do my patients well to be institutionalized, your honor. They're not beyond saving, not yet! Please I ask that you give them a chance ah uh…reprieve! I'm sure if your brain was the size of a walnut you wouldn't know your ass from your elbow, right? And their upbringing…oh let's not get into that. No sir, I don't like it either but these people can be saved if you give me a chance!" Grimmjow and Nnoitra were both grinding their teeth in agitation. Who the fuck was this human to dictate what size their brains were? Hell they were going to pummel the shit out of Szayel once they got out of this; he was a good method for releasing anger, the fruity bastard. The judge seemed to be taking the bait but one had to wonder why no one just went up there and killed his fat balding ass. Aizen was just watching with those merciless eyes all the while like he was taking notes or something on human law enforcement.

"And…what about the property damages sustained? How do you propose to fix thirty two thousand dollars worth of repairs, Mr. Halsenbach." Fuck. He was saving up that money for a new car because taking the subway was killing him, he hated people and their nasty habits not to mention it smelled of drunks, piss, and hobos. Who wants to wake up take a shower and then get on a method of transportation that smells like vagabond's disease? He might as well not even fucking shower like the stench clung and infused into your skin or something it was that bad. Or you know the state could put to use all that tax money and give people free SHOWERS. "Tch," his neck twitched and his teeth grinded together as he had a small episode. But then it was an epiphany of sorts this wonderful plan of his, sometimes he had them, sometimes he was like a damn genius just that no one supported or liked his ideas. Him and Galileo man, they could've been best friends or as today's terminology dictated biffels. It sort of hit him like an unexpected goose getting sucked into a jet engine but it obviously didn't hurt as much though it might kill him, he probably would die, soon anyway at the rate this was going.

"Community service?" It sort of slipped and the judge's eyebrows rose at the suggestion. Jake's shoulders hunched as he heard, and felt, the ominous vortex of hatred and anger, anger and hatred being directed into his very soul. Too bad his soul was practically nonexistent, so you know he just yawned and smiled. Oh yes, payback was a dirty skanky little bitch wasn't it?

The resounding bang of the hammer erupted through the now whispering crowd. The judge stood and everyone silenced.

"Court has been adjourned as deliberation is being made." There was brief silence and some murmuring as the jury and judge left the room to deliberate on the issue. Jake was about to turn around and give the troupe of retardando, as he decidedly named them all, a thumbs up and a big beaming sunshine smile but he rather liked to keep his head it was a well used and highly valuable, albeit not as much as Walt Disney's, organ and he rather liked it from time to time. Instead he fell into a fit of anxiety and panic as his palms became sweaty and he wringed his hands together like a child about ready for a scolding. He was no child and he certainly hoped there would be no scolding. Hopefully he'd get out this with all his appendages and internal organs intact, though you never quite knew with foreigners. One moment you had both kidneys and the next you saw one as the next big sale on Craig's List. Safe to say his entire life depended on a lone single decision built up only on his own false pretense, the fact that he lied in A COURT OF LAW, and well his luck which was to say the least pretty god damn shitty as of late. His stomach dropped as the judge and jury re-entered the room and Jake somehow felt sad that Grimmjow hadn't gone in there and massacred them all. He gulped hoping that his plan had worked or at least he had somehow wooed the judge into taking pity on Aizen and his merry band of freaks.

"Mr. Halsenbach step forth. As with the current proceedings the jury and I have deliberated and…you are not guilty but _they_ will need to incur at least one hundred hours of community service along with the sum of money which will be used to pay for the property damages. Understood?"

"I do your honor." Jake bowed his head a little like this was some kind of Japanese ritual of respect or maybe it was just in his blood. He heard some obvious snarls from behind him it was probably Nnoitra given the man's personality of just being blatantly angry for nothing at all. They should all be calling him god for getting them out of this without so much as a little community service, and oh he did have the perfect place.

**Convention Centre**

Jake had to admit that he hated humanity, not because he was bitter although that was roughly ninety-percent of the reason, but also because humanity had a way of failing, miraculously. There were only so many people that you could look up to as a child and only find out years later that all they ever were underneath that superhero exterior was a flaming pile of paranoia, cries for attention and social extremes. People had the tendency to try to fit in, hell even he had the curse of trying to but what made him wonder was…why? Fitting in meant you fell into some sort of stratum, some typical phylum of nonsensical social depravity. It was like people changed themselves to fit into a world that didn't know what it wanted nor needed the world was ever changing, right? So how the hell were you supposed to keep up with it? He'd met people, talked to and diagnosed them, that had social anxiety issues and anthropophobia it was all the same to him. If he got a dime for every person that came in for that he'd be fucking rich except of course they never knew they had it. Usually the issue was always covered up by something else whether it is addictions or even mild cases of obsessive compulsive disorder. Safe to say this was a place where Jake lost all hope for humanity but he figured with the way they were dressed, his eyes gazing back over Aizen the bastard and his smug expression and his "family", just standing there like a blistering rainbow colored festering wound they'd fit in quite peachy.

"Well ain't this shit sad. The hell you bring us here for _doctor_." Nnoitra hissed his one good eye only catching glimpses of the horror to come. Unfortunately the fifth lacked any sort of sixth sense, well, he wasn't a seer or adept in clairvoyance meaning he didn't know what was coming.

"It's simple, really. We're going to raise that money back by spending sometime here. It's a good bonding method, don't you think? Your surviv-er family cohesiveness depends on this exercise. It's a test of cooperation many things which none of you remotely have. Do try to act civilly the zoo is only a few blocks away after all. This won't hurt I promise trust me, I'm a doctor." His smile was vicious, his voice poisonous he gave them the entire sweetest look aptly contrived while his inner mind laughed and reveled in what was soon to come. Aizen Sosuske's eyes met his however and Jake felt his stomach drop, that man was...unreadable to him yet he felt very, very sick once again when in his presence. Jake coughed looking away before motioning with one arm towards the large expansive structure before them.

"You'll all fit right in. I assure you. Now shall we go? Your newfound fans will be dying to meet you." His smile was ever so neatly tucked into the blackened recesses of his inner mind a mild skip to his step as he continued down towards the large dome structure.

"He said die, right? Does that mean we can kill 'im?" Grimmjow asked his brain contriving formulas and plans for a convention wide genocide. Ulquiorra merely sighed, "That would bring unwanted attention. Learn to think before you speak, Grimmjow even you should be capable of simple acts," as he walked pass the other. The turquoise haired espada snorted eyes trailing over a bunch of giggling human girls as they walked by.  
"Tch. There's a lot of these bastards running around ain't there?" Nnoitra snarled lone eye passing along a group of oddly dressed human beings. It was like they were at a circus or something like a mental hospital convention.

If espada had any reactions to high pitched noises they would have jumped several feet into the air that, or, they would shot about fifty ceros into the forming crowd of Bleach fangirls.

"Oh migawd Sarah look its Grimjow!" A blue eyed, wannabe cosplayer in a captain shinigami's outfit replied almost reaching out to take the arm of her Grimmy-poodle. Jake was taking notes diligently while laughing a lot, inwardly of course; he didn't want to die just yet. But he found that many of the espada had personal space issues and if nothing else low self esteem on how they looked. Szayel was stunning proof of said psychological trauma.

"Dude! Awesome cosplay! It looks like the real thing!" The pink haired espada with matching flair and flamboyant personality to boot turned to the pimply faced young man who had the gall to comment on his outfit.

"Cosplay? What drivel is that, primitive human?" Szayel snapped eyes darting to his standard issued arrancar outfit. The human male slapped the pink haired espada on the shoulder obnoxious laughter bellowing from his voice box. Szayel's eye visibly twitched, he probably had a superiority complex Jake concluded because a 'primitive' human had just touched him. It was funny what sort of ticks you could find when throwing otherwise constant individuals into an inconsistent state of affairs. It was like taking chained dog off its chain and putting in front of it a car or mail man. It just went batshit insane; unfortunately said dog was not a freak of nature with blue or pink fur or one eye or…a fucking douche bag like Souske so the analogy was a far stretch. But Szayel was being increasingly irritated and would likely be a wonderful example of the dog in a few minutes…perhaps. If Jake hadn't known his gender he'd call him Lassie or a bitch but that would just be rude to the dogs.

"A COSTUME?! You think what this is…is a _costume_?" The eighth spurted out indignantly like the kid had just offended his mother, speaking of whoever raised this fruit cake did a shit job, the kid just blinked like nothing happened at all and smiled.

"Well, duh! It's cosplay I mean it's like…really accurate did you make it yourself or what? 'Cause you could really make a good profit with that." Szayel just gritted his teeth, "I don't need _**money**_," he said through clenched jaws you could hear his teeth gritting together like nails on a chalk board. The kid didn't seem to get that his mere presence was irking the espada and he was now inspecting his actual outfit. Jake suspected that it was because this child, teenager, crisis with legs did not have a very firm grasp on how to socially interact as was Jake's mild diagnosis for most of the people here. He found con-goers to be like over active puppies and when presented with people whom they thought were cool or easy to idolize they practically lost all sense of self and went…well crazy. Unfortunately unlike puppies you couldn't very well kick them because you know that'd be mean, not that Jake ever had kicked a puppy before god what kind of monster did _that_?

"It's a bit off on this side you know? The stitching needs a few minor adjustments from my calculations," the boy stated matter of fact as Syazel stared at him in bewilderment and anger, mostly anger, but the two combined made for a rather amusing facial expression on the espada. Szayel looked like he was about to strangle the kid, when he wasn't looking but while he was going on about stitching and all sorts of useless shit, Jake coughed and the pink haired espada's head shot towards him his expression an undeniable 'raeg fais' as the terminology called it this day and age. Jake was laughing inwardly and he'd probably have pissed himself but he rather liked this suit, hand me down or not. He turned his attention to one of the more prominent of the espada, she was in fact the only female that Jake had seen with them and wondered what sort of self deprecating female could possibly stand to live with these jackasses, especially since Nnotria seemingly had a thing against the opposite gender. He was probably gay, seme to be sure, since he seemed badass and hardcore but you know they all put on a front to impress whatever little shota or what the fuck ever just to get in through the back door, literally and figuratively. Jake blinked, "god what the hell am I thinking, it's like a bad manga or something." He mumbled because his thoughts were practically all over the place at the current moment, ANYWAY! Back to the broad with breasts the size of boulders. Perhaps her spine was made out of steel? Anything was possible Jake figured and that conclusion was more or likely the case.

"Are those really, _real?_ I mean they're like…damn. It's like the actual thing!" A group of young men had taken to examining the woman's rather revealing outfit it was more or less like them asking her for a public strip tease. He didn't know whether he found it more pathetic that they were practically fapping to fictional character or that they couldn't tell the difference between fiction and reality. Ah well both were pretty shitty so Jake just went with both. Personally he wouldn't have minded that, the strip tease, actually but he didn't want any genocide to happen right out of his remarkable bullshitting in court today. He actually felt the need to celebrate that case something he would do tonight, granted he made it back home. The tanned yellow haired espada raised an eyebrow arms folding over her chest like she was trying to maintain her dignity although it was more or less likely that she just didn't want to snap their necks since that was not very lady like. She didn't answer either and merely gave Jake one of the nastiest glares he'd ever seen conceived into existence as she walked away from the group, hurriedly. Grimmjow had his own flock to deal with as did Ulquiorra who was presently taken aback or as much as his sculpted features would allow for such an expression to be contrived, it was like his face muscles had atrophied or something, since there was a swarm of girls with orange wigs on trying to take pictures with him Jake guessed the expression was spot on for the man.

"Oh mi gawd you're so cool Ulquiorra can we take a picture with you!?" He looked much put off and horrified because apparently the girls were supposedly someone named Orihime. He edged away from the mob of Orihime's or technically they were just girls going through a bout of episodic, hopefully Jake thought, identity crisis's but still the fourth's expression was hilarious in and of itself. Perhaps he had a falling out with said tangerine haired colored girl? The again Mr. Apathy Syndrome didn't seem like the type to have interest in females, much less human ones. Sitting on the sidelines of all these going ons made Jake appreciate his rather boring normalcy but damn if getting chicks to flock to you meant dying your hair the colors of the fucking rainbow or wearing clown make-up he was practically sold, sure it'd be humiliating and sadistic but he'd give up what little sliver of self appreciation he had in a heartbeat. Hell! What man wouldn't?!

"You and Orihime are so cute together!" Ulquiorra merely blinked looking around for someone to save him or something.

"We do not possess…hearts." It was an odd answer but one that sent the fangirls into a dizzying fanatical screaming fest like a thousand rabid banshees. Jake cringed at the noise. A few decibels higher and his damn eardrums would begin to bleed. It was like hearing the fucking Metatron or something. The mob quickly dissipated though as fishbowl, er Aaroniero how the hell did you even pronounce this bastard's name was still beyond Jake's understanding so he kinda just made a gurgling noise of A's and O's going with it. Actually he'd just call him fishbowl from now on it was easier that. Hey he wasn't a linguist and the guy's name was like a string of letters smashed together like a fifteen car pileup. The rather long espada just watched as they all ran off more or likely due to the fact that the white mask covering his glass case head was filled with liquid and two FLOATING HEADS.

"Hrm. Is there any point to this, psychiatrist?" The gurgling deeper voiced of the two heads asked from beyond the curtain. Jake waved him off, because there really wasn't besides his own festering revenge covered up with the supposed goal of paying up for the incurred damages, and instead he jotted down two more things under Szayel's name the words unknown only to the writer. There were a few more jots before Jake's attention was brought to none other than Aizen himself.

"Oh my god," Jake said more aloud than he had intended as he turned to his right where there happened to be a sculpted out stone fountain of sorts. And there was the leader himself with his own small flock of fans however he hardly seemed perturbed or disturbed at all, actually underneath that finely crafted mask of indifference he seemed pretty goddamn smug.

"You do realize that's illegal, right?" Jake replied bluntly at the brown haired shinigami who now had a harem of young teenage girls waiting on him like…well a harem. Aizen chuckled and shrugged his shoulders his characteristic poise of his right arm propping up his right cheek. He looked so fucking smug it was just…goddamn this man was obnoxious but like hell if he didn't have a reason to be.

"I never told them to be aficionadas of power, Mr. Halsenbach. It must be my charm, something which you lack, would you care for me to teach you sometime?" Jake's face was stoic and he was about ready to slap himself for deciding this to be a fitting punishment.

"You'll be put back in _jail_ FOR BEING A PEDOPHILE!" Jake annunciated glaring at the girls who giggled, like what the fuck it made no difference? Holy shit he might need to ask for lessons after all!

"You seem to have the ridiculous notion that I care. There were plenty of those within that precinct that would bow and follow me for the unlimited power I could grant them." Jake let out a sigh before turning back to the espada, "is that how he got all of you to join him, seriously, with that bullshit talk?" He jabbed his thumb back at Aizen and his congregation of fangirls. The espadas sighed and nodded their heads in unison. Jake had no choice but to follow in suite with the sighing and shaking of his head although this time he did physically face palm.

"Are we done here Mr. Halsenbach? You seemed to have enjoyed yourself enough." Aizen's words cut through the tension filled air like a chainsaw through a tree. Jake turned back around to other hands all the while wringing themselves together, "I-I don't know what you're talking about. I have the official paper work here," he produced from his pocket a statement about how they would be paid in full for their service to the convention. He smiled at the lack of a retort Aizen could not seem to produce.

"Shall we continue on inside then, gentlemen and lady…er I believe there are more fans inside who would be _dying_ to meet you all." The espada had no come backs or witty curses which down played their limited intelligence even more. Instead they simply obeyed following Aizen as he strolled with confidence towards the building's entrance.

* * *

Wow, well, I'm sorry this took forever to upload more or less write. I fail! :0 But uh yeah sorry bout that folks I haven't forgotten I swear! And you're all lovely for even still waiting on my ass to write this! ;w; School is kicking my ass and I've just put writing on the back burner for awhile. But I can't say I'll promise to have the next chapter up anytime soon, SO I WON'T PROMISE! This chapter is just...I don't even know not a lot happens but hopefully the stupidity of it makes up for the boringness and sheer length or something like that. Lalala they'll be sure to get back to diagnosing in the next chapter JUST YOU WAIT! I didn't even review or edit this so there's probably a shit ton of errors I DON'T CARE I'M LAZY!


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